


Trying

by Boba_Beaver_808



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24296164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boba_Beaver_808/pseuds/Boba_Beaver_808
Relationships: Yuzuru Hanyu/Evgenia Medvedeva
Comments: 37
Kudos: 62





	1. A New Beginning

Walking into the Toronto Skating and Curling Club for the first time suddenly made everything feel more real. The past week had been a blur of packing, travelling, and finally reaching Toronto, Canada. I hesitated before walking in, it somehow felt like sealing my fate. I was really here, I had really left Eteri, Russia, and everything behind. Nervousness churned in my gut as I walked into the rink, a sea of unfamiliar faces compared to the friends I had back at Sambo. 

Brian immediately noticed me and skated over from across the rink.

"Hi Evgenia, it's great that you made it!" 

"Thanks." I replied with a smile. I had met him once in person at an ice show in Korea over the summer and it felt good to talk to someone. My mom had and family had stayed behind in Russia, unwilling to uproot their lives to come to Canada. At first, I had been reluctant to leave, but I also wouldn't allow my skating career to end as I was slowly replaced by Alina, and then Anna, Sasha, and Alena. Travelling to Canada, I had never felt so alone knowing that I had nobody here to help me anymore.

"Why don't you get you skates on and then I'll help you run through some simple skating exercises first." Brian said.

I nodded at him as he skated away over to Tracy who was talking with a group of juniors. I set my bag down on the bench and began lacing up my skates, at least that was familiar. 

Suddenly, I heard a woosh of air and a soft bang as the door opened and closed. I looked up to find myself staring at the first face that I actually recognized. One that I had looked forward to seeing, and also dreaded. 

"Hi Yuzuru." I said as he got closer. 

His eyes narrowed slightly at the use of his full name. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd called him Yuzuru but after all of the rumors on the Internet, I didn't want to risk making him uncomfortable. "Hi Evgenia, welcome to the TCC." He replied with equal formality. He stood there for a second as if wanting to say more, then quickly shuffled away to a bench further down the rink to lace up his own skates. Well, this was going to be worse than I thought.

I stepped out on the ice, and a part of me instantly relaxed. My entire life might be turned upside down but the ice was something that I could always count on, something that would always be my friend. Brian gestured to me over and began walking me through a skating exercise. It felt so different from the drills that Eteri used to have us do and I stumbled and misplaced my feet on many occasions. Brian simply laughed it off when I messed up, occasionally even tripping over my own skates and falling onto the ice. "It takes getting used to, especially when you've never done it before." He said as I stood up for the third time, brushing the white powder off of my training clothes. 

I shook my head in frustration. I knew it would be hard to change coaches but this was even more foreign that I had ever thought. "Why don't you keep working on it and I'll check back with you in a little bit." Brian said. I nodded my agreement and he skated away. 

As I circled the rink again, focusing on my edgework and stroking like Brian had told me to, my eyes caught Yuzu's on the other side of the rink. He was staring at me as me wrested on the side. When our eyes met, he quickly looked away, suddenly fascinated by the drink in his hand.

Great, now I've humiliated myself in front of the king of ice himself, I thought. I quickly turned my focus back to my skating, intent on at least mastering this exercise before my break. Frustration already burned in me even though my first practice session wasn't even done. I had been Evgenia Medvedeva, world champion, first contender to win gold at the Olympics. I had lost that chance though, settling for silver behind Alina. Now, I could barely learn a simple skating exercise. I sighed as I tripped again, my body colliding with the rock hard ice beneath me. I slammed my fist down in anger, the pain momentarily distracting me from my failure. 

That is, until I saw a pair of familiar black skates in front of me and a hand reaching down. I grabbed it and let him help me up, quickly releasing his hand once I was back on my feet. "Focus on keeping your core engaged when you do it next time. Don't be afraid to lean too far into your edges, you have more balance than you think." He basically whispered the words before skating away to the other side of the rink and executing a flawless quad salchow. I saw Brian nod in approval from where he was watching on the edge. 

Jealously flooded me as I watched the perfect execution, clean transitions, and effortless speed. That was what I had come here to obtain and there he was executing it so flawlessly where I looked like a baby giraffe on ice for the first time. But, I forced myself to focus and remember his words. I found that his advice actually helped and by my second attempt, I was able to perform it without stumbling, falling, or tripping. I repeated it again and again, a certain satisfaction taking the place of my anger. I felt like I was floating across the ice instead of fighting it, I felt like I was flying. 

It wasn't until Brian skated over and stopped me that I realized I had been smiling the entire time. 

"You know, most people skate that exercise once and then move on." He said with a laugh. 

I felt my face heat up as I realized how many times I had continued doing it even after I had learned how.

"It's good though," Brian said. "I'm glad to see you're willing to embrace something new. Go take a break, I'll see you this afternoon again." 

"Okay." I replied, still slightly embarrassed as I skated off the rink. I was unlacing my boots when I saw Yuzu walk past me, already making his way towards the door.

"Hey Yuzu." I called out, immediately catching myself for my slip-up. "I mean Yuzuru, whatever." Where was I even going with this? I was regretting opening my mouth to talk to him at all but now he was looking at back and walking towards me.

"Yeah?" He asked nonchalantly.

"Ummm..." I replied, blushing, suddenly at a loss for words. "Thanks for you advice back there, it really helped." 

He smiled at that. "You're welcome. I remember how hard it was when I first came here, you get used to it, I promise." 

I gave him a smile as he turned to walk away. However, my heart ached at the formality of his words. My mind wandered back to the times we had shared before. Laughing together on bus rides between ice shows. Challenging each other to jump offs in galas. I missed those days even more than I could admit to myself but I knew it had to be different now. I closed my eyes briefly remembering the onslaught of comments after my announcement that I was leaving Eteri for Brian.

She's just leaving to get closer to Yuzu. Seriously, she needs to get over that boy. Can't she tell he's not interested?

Yuzu had never really seemed affected by what the Internet had to say but his clipped words and formality seemed to say otherwise. Maybe it was for the best now. It would probably be better for both of us if we weren't even friends. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, finished packing my skates into my bag, and walked out the door to the TCC. The next time I walked in, I was determined to forget about my past friendship with Yuzuru Hanyu.


	2. Closing the Distance

After taking the bus back to my house, eating a quick lunch, and getting back to the TCC, I found myself sitting on the same bench, once again lacing up my skates and getting ready for practice. This time when Yuzu walked in, he didn't even look in my direction and I simply lowered my head as he walked by. I could ignore him, right? He was just one person here out of many. Who was I kidding though? Yuzuru Hanyu wasn't just one person out of many, he was the pride of the Japan, the king of ice, and my used-to-be close friend.

However, that skating session I was able to successfully block Yuzu out of my mind and worked on a new skating exericse from Brian. I also ran through a couple different jumps with Gishlain, who I found to be incredibly different from the jumping coaches I had with Eteri. Gishlain was patient and understanding and always seemed to have a new tip to improve my jumps. I fell, a lot, but by the end of practice, I felt like I had made progress.

Stepping off the ice, I quickly packed up my stuff and went to Brian's office to talk to him about my first day of training and my plans for next season. When I got there, the door was slightly open and there were voices coming from inside. Wait, not just any voice, it was Yuzu. What was he doing? I mentally chided myself for being so nosy, this was his skating rink too. But the longer I listened, the more I realized that the conversation wasn't even remotely about skating.

"We talked about this Yuzu."

"I know, and I've stayed away, I promise. It's been one day Brian."

"Yuzu, she's eighteen, remember that."

Were they, talking about me? Despite myself, I stayed outside of the door, listening to the words being exchanged inside.

"We were friends before, nothing has changed. I promise it won't be a problem."

"I hope not Yuzu, for both of your sakes, but especially hers. You might be immune to the rumblings on the Internet, the rumors that fly around every day. But she's not and you know that. You guys being close with each other now won't be good for either of you."

"I know, Brian. I know to keep my distance. We were barely even friends before, I don't see why that has to change now."

"Okay, you can go."

I stood outside the office, somehow it felt like my feet were glued to the floor even as I hear Yuzu stand up inside and knew he was walking towards the door. I couldn't move away though, I couldn't hide the hurt on my face at his words. Barely friends? What was that supposed to mean?

Just then the door opened and Yuzu walked out. His eyes widened upon seeing me there and his face flushed a pinkish color as he closed the door behind him. 

"Hi Evgenia." He said nervously.

Suddenly, my feet could move again and I was walking, no, running. Tears sprang into my eyes even as I heard him call my name. I heard footsteps behind me and then a hand grabbed my wrist. Startled, I whirled around to find myself staring into a pair of warm brown eyes. 

"Evgenia, please." He murmured. "We need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about." I practically spat back. "I won't be a problem."

With that, I violently jerked the arm he was holding causing him to release his grasp. This time I walked away, and he didn't even try to follow, but I could feel his eyes drilling into my back the entire way down the hall and out the door.

Later that night:

I finally closed my computer after having watched a couple hours worth of Tokyo Ghoul. My eyes had long since dried after I had come home crying and that sadness in me had been replaced by a cold kind of emptiness. I forced myself to forget about it, to distract myself with anything I could. I wouldn't be that girl that cried over a boy. I didn't matter that our friendship had meant the world to me and apparently nothing to him. It didn't matter that a part of me had been excited every time I saw him at a competition, every time we exchanged words, every time we had fun, I had to forget unless I wanted it to drive me crazy.

With all of my family back in Russia, I was utterly and completely alone. I was a fool to think that this had been a good idea. I was a fool to leave everything I had behind for where I thought I could reinvent myself to be on top of the world again. Here, I wasn't Evgenia Medvedeva, world champion, Russian celebrity. Here, I was nothing. 

Then, the rational part of me started to speak. I had been training here for one day. ONE DAY. I had already started to learn the new skating exercises and build a new foundation. Excluding the drama of the day, I had made progress. I had a new beginning, but I had to take it. I had to focus, I had to train hard, and most importantly, I had to forget about Yuzuru Hanyu.

The next day:

I walked in the TCC the next day with a new determination. Yes, I walked in here about 12 hours earlier with the same intentions of ignoring Yuzu and focusing on my skating but this time I knew I would and that I could. I laced up my skates and was on the ice before he even walked through the door. I ran through the skating exercises I learned yesterday and started warming up my jumps. I ran through them each one at a time, triple Toe, triple flip, triple loop, triple salchow, double axel. I paused, realizing full well that I had left out the triple lutz. I had jumped it once yesterday with Gishlain and had gotten his preliminary comments on how to fix my flutz. Gathering my courage, I skated a lap around the rink, gathering speed. I forced my outside edge, despite how wrong it felt. I jammed my toe pick into the ice, my legs feeling awkward beneath me, and proceeded to crash back down, landing hard on the ice. I growled on frustration, brushing the white powder off my black shirt and pants, before skating over to the side of the rink to grab a drink of water. 

Other skaters had started to arrive by now. Jason and Jun-hwan, two skaters that I knew from before, were talking and laughing in a corner. A couple of juniors were lining up in the middle of the rink, waiting for Tracy's skating skills lesson to start. I then realized with a start that Yuzu was on the ice. When had he gotten here? I caught myself again, remembering my earlier resolution to forget about him. 

I skated back onto the ice again and was met by Gishlain.

"I saw your lutz over there." He said. "Why don't we try to work on that today?" 

"Sure." I replied. I was actually eager to try to fix my flutz. I had begged and begged Eteri for years to help me fix it but she always put it off until later saying that the judges never called me on it anyway. It was nice to have a coach that was ready to focus on my biggest flaw. 

That night, I walked back into my house with more bruises than I could count. I had jumped my lutz in a harness to help me focus on my outside edge more but that hadn't prevented me from falling practically every single time. I groaned slightly as I lowered myself into a chair, my bones aching from the constant impacts with the ice. 

Just then, my phone rang. I reached over and grabbed it, and nearly dropped it from surprise after reading the caller ID. It was Yuzuru Hanyu. He had put his contact in my phone years ago when I had first met him at my first Skate Canada. What did he want? My curiosity almost got the better of me before I clicked the decline button, I didn't want any drama right now. A couple seconds later my phone buzzed, a text. 

Please pick up, Evgenia. I just want to talk.

The phone rang again after I finished reading it. I shook my head, silencing my phone and placing it on the table next to me. Maybe I was being stubborn and I should hear him out. I probably should actually, now that I thought about and a part of me wanted to hear what he had to say. But, I knew myself better than that, if I let myself talk to him, I might never want to stop. If I left myself forgive him, I might start to think that we could be friends again. I couldn't let that happen no matter how much I wanted it. I needed to keep my distance.


	3. Pushing Away

The next couple of weeks were a whirlwind of practice, practice, and more practice. I got the TCC, go on the ice, practiced skating skills, jumps, and spins, and got home exhausted at the end of the day. I liked it that way though, and I could already feel the improvement. The ice had become almost like a friend, helping me glide faster than ever had before. I was stronger too, having put on more muscle at the gym, which allowed me to jump higher than I even had before.

Jason and Jun-hwan had become incredibly friendly and we often went out to dinner on Friday nights to McDonalds, Burger King, or Chipotle. It always brought a smile to my face to think of what Eteri would have said. Back in Russia, fast food was strictly prohibited as well as eating between the hours of six pm to six am. There, it had been a constant battle to maintain a certain weight and body form and it felt liberating to finally be free of that. Naturally, as an athlete, I still watch my diet carefully for the most part as it is important to maintain some sort of consistency so as to not screw up my jumps, but it still felt nice to have some sort of freedom.

Since the first couple of days, I have become much happier and Canada is finally starting to feel like home. The only nagging thing over my head was the fact that I hadn't said a word to Yuzu since the night he tried to call me. While I maintained my distance and he seemed fine with it, guilt still gnawed at my stomach remembering how sincere he had sounded in the hallway, and then over text. These thoughts were quickly dissipating though as day after day we ignored each other, not even making eye contact from across the week, not even exchanging hellos and goodbyes when entering or leaving the rink. But, I could allow myself to get past that as long as my skating continued to improve along with my friendly relationship with Jason and Jun-hwan.

However, I should have known that my relatively drama-free life would have to come to an end at some point.

I walked into the TCC, ready to work more on my flutz and the beginnings of my quad salchow, which Gishlain had been slowly working towards with me. I barely made it through the front door when I felt somebody grab my wrist and drag me down one of the side hallways. Startled, I finally gathered my wits enough to dig my feet in the floor preventing whoever it was from taking me any further. We were in the hallway that led to the Zamboni storage room, somewhere where nobody would be for a couple of hours.

I finally looked up to find myself standing in front of the a dark-haird Japanese boy, his eyes glinting with an emotion I couldn't read.

"Yuzuru, what the heck?" I yelled, jerking my arm out of his grasp.

"Forgive me, Evgenia." He hissed back, mocking my formality at using his full name. "It seems that you are so content not to say a word to me that this is literally the only way I could get you to say something."

"You could have just asked, you know, instead of dragging me down a deserted hallway."

"I did, remember?" He said quietly. 

He had, that night he had called, and I had rejected him without even saying anything back. "I'm sorry, Yuzuru, I should have said something. Does that make you feel better?" I demanded.

"Not really."

"Well, what do you want?"

At that, he looked directly at me, his eyes narrowing slightly. "What do I want? Evgenia, we used to be friends, and then you come here and completely ignore me without even a hint as to why? What do you think I want?"

"Well, according to someone, we weren't even really friends ever." I spat back, instantly regretting my words as his face paled and his eyes drooped.

"I'm sorry for saying that, I just... didn't want Brian to... never mind. But we were, we were friends. Remember everything we used to do? Running around after competitions with Misha to explore the city? Jump battles at galas? Late night dinners after medal ceremonies with all of us? It's like none of that ever happened. It's like you've chosen to forget it all."

"I haven't forgotten it, Yuzuru."

"Please don't call me that." He interrupted. "Since when was I Yuzuru to you?"

"Please Yuzu," I said quietly, at least fulfilling one of his requests. "We were friends before, and I'll never forget that. But now it's different, now I'm here and the whole world is watching."

"You're worried about what people are saying about...us."

"There is no us Yuzu. A part of me will always miss you as one of my close friends, and I'll never forget everything you taught me and all the memories we have together, but I don't want to anger anybody, especially your fans or mine. Trust me, it's better this way." I stepped backwards away from him.

His eyes looked right at me, full of sadness. "Don't let them control you, Evgenia Medvedeva." He said softly. "You're stronger than that."

"I don't think I'm as strong as you think."

"Maybe." He replied. "Or maybe you've just changed."

"Yes! I have changed Yuzu." I practically shouted, before guiltily looking around to make sure nobody had heard, despite the fact we were in an abandoned side hallway. "Moving halfway across the world, leaving your family, coaches, and friends behind tends to do that to a person." I whispered.

"You don't have to do everything alone, Evgenia." He replied. "You think you do because you think you've lost everything, but you haven't. You just have to realize that there are more people that care about you than you think."

With that, he walked back towards the door, reaching for the handle as I stood frozen in the middle of the hallway. "And if you are truly that alone, then pushing away everybody who tries to help you isn't the best place to start." He said, before pushing down the handle and walking back towards the rink. 

I stood there for a second, digesting everything he had just said. Was I being stupid? I wasn't pushing everyone away. I worked so closely with Brian, Tracy, and Gishlain. I spent some time with Jason and Jun-hwan. It was just him that I kept my distance from. Or was it? How many times had I told Jason and Jun-hwan that I couldn't go into the city because I had work to do and then ended up sitting on my bed watching Sailor Moon and Tokyo Ghoul. How many times had some of the other skaters in the club come up to me, inviting me to parties and hangouts, only to have me politely decline? Maybe I was pushing people away. 

I squeezed my eyes shut as I remembered my life in Russia, fooling around with Alina on the rink, practicing jumps with my friends, having relay races on the ice and just having fun when we weren't training. That was the life I had left behind. Had I been so reluctant to let go of that that I had refused to build new relationships here?

The rest of the day I couldn't help but think about Yuzu's words, snatching a couple of glances at him across the rink but never catching his eye. By the end of that day, I had made my decision. It was time to fix things with Yuzuru Hanyu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are all enjoying the story so far! Let me know if you have any thoughts or suggestions down in the comments section!


	4. Finally

The next day, I got to the rink early enough to warm-up before Tracy's stroking lesson. As Tracy called everybody over to start class, we all formed neat rows across the rink so as not to get in each other's way. Before I could really stop myself, I skated towards the back and took the spot next to Yuzu. He looked down at me, startled.

"Morning, Yuzu." I said brightly. 

"Morning." He replied, visibly confused.

I lowered my voice slightly to prevent the people around us from hearing. "I thought a lot about what you said yesterday, and I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking really, I just didn't want any problems for anybody, me or you."

His eyes softened a little bit at that. "What made you think you would be a problem, Zhenya?"

The use of my nickname sent tingles down my body and I couldn't help a smile from spreading across my face. "You know, I have a habit of being difficult."

"You think?" He replied with a laugh.

"Hey, you guys paying attention back there?" Tracy yelled back.

We guiltily broke eye contact, focusing on the lesson as it started.

"So..." I whispered, not willing to let this conversation end until I had an answer to my real question. "Do you think we can start over? Will you let me try to do this the right way?"

"No, we can't start over." He murmured and my heart sank to my stomach.

"We just keep going." He said with a smile. "What makes you think that we would have to start over?"

Relief flooded me and a smile spread across my face. 

Stroking class ended and everybody dispersed across the rink to work on whatever they were practicing today. Yuzu, with a quick goodbye, skated over to Gishlain to work on his quad axel. He seemed incredibly determined to get it before next season and I'd seen him land it once or twice in a harness. If anybody could do it, it would be Yuzu.

I skated over to Brian who had asked me to meet with him to go over my program layout that day. I spent a good portion of the day discussing program elements, music, costumes, and choreography with him barely got any time on the ice. When he finally dismissed me, I glanced at the clock, 5:00. Great. Gishlain would have already left by now, it was a Friday night after all and most skaters and coaches left early. I quickly grabbed my phone and texted Jason and Jun-hwan that I couldn't meet them for dinner because I had to practice before lacing on my skates and getting onto the ice.

I ran through my now routine warm-up of different skating exercises and spins before attempting my first jump, triple loop. The landing was perfect and I mentally thanked Gishlain for helping me with the smoothness of all my jumps. My take-offs and landings felt less heavy and forced which I knew wold be important for longevity in my career. Just then, a shadowed appeared on the other side of the rink, somebody was still here.

I abruptly realized who it was as he skated over to me.

"I didn't think that you usually practice this late." Yuzu said as a way of greeting.

"Umm... I was busy with Brian all day talking about my programs for next year so I didn't really get to spend much time on the ice." I stammered, why was I so nervous? It was just like talking to him before at the stroking lesson, but why did it feel so different?

"Hmmm." Was all he responded with before skating away. Right, we were both here to practice, not talk.

I skated a couple laps around the rink, gathering speed, before attempting the jump that had been my shame for so many years. I felt my clean outside edge as I left the iced, that was good, but something felt very wrong as I took off into the air. A second later, I hit the ice jarringly before pushing myself back up to my feet. I tried again and fell, and then again with the same result.

The third time, a black gloved hand lowered down to help me up. "Thanks." I said, as I grabbed his hand and pulled myself up.

"Come here." He said, pulling me towards the center of the rink. He stopped, releasing my hand when we got there. "Show me your set-up for the lutz." He said.

I reached my left foot behind me to plant my toe pick on the ice while leaning to my outside edge with my right. Yuzu's hand shot to my shoulder to steady me from falling. His other hand reached down to my leg, grabbing my knee and slowly using it to adjust my edge. Electric tingles zapped through me at his touch and I was glad he was looking down at the ice so that he wouldn't see the redness of my face that couldn't be completely blamed on the coldness of the ice.

"There," He said, finally satisfied. "You feel that?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Good, that's the position that you're going to want to be in when you start. Go, try."

I skated away, gathering speed around the rink, before pushing my edge to where he had set it to be and jumping off the ice. It felt better this time, smoother, and when I hit the ice again, I managed to stay on my feet. I heard clapping across the rink and saw a smile on Yuzu's face. "There you go!" He called. "How did that feel?"

"Better, thanks!" I replied. By now, it was getting late. I skated over to my bag and grabbed out my phone, 9:00. Yuzu skated over, "What time is it?" He asked as he took a drink from his water bottle.

"9:00."

"Are you going home?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"I can drive if you want?" He said, so quickly that I barely registered his words. He then turned a deep shade of scarlet as my confusion showed on my face. "I mean, I'm going home too and I you could come with me if you want but then if you don't want to it's definitely okay it's up to you." He said in a long jumble of words.

"Oh, it's okay, I have a bus pass." I said, the regretted it as his face fell for an instant before his apparent disappointment disappeared and he nodded. 

"Oh, that's good." Was all he said. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow, I guess?"

"Yeah, see you tomorrow." I left before he finished packing, today had been a good day. I had gotten my lutz to some extent, I had fixed things with Yuzu, I had the beginnings of the ideas for my program, things were finally starting to settle into place. Little did I know, how suddenly everything could change just when you thought you had it under control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like the new chapter! Feel free to leave any comments in the comments section below. I always love reading them!


	5. Are you okay?

Today, I was buzzing with excitement, eager to get onto the ice because I was finally going to start working on the choreography for my first short program away from Eteri. My choreographer for the short was Jeffrey Buttle, who had choreographed a lot of Yuzu's short programs. I was also rather nervous to meet him, I had known my choreographers back in Russia since I was a little kid and I knew what it was like to work with them. 

I loved my new music this season. My short program was a little bit jazzy and was the first program I had done that had lyrics to the music. The overall feel reminded me a little bit of Yuzu's Parisienne Walkways program from the Sochi Olympics in 2014. I had loved watching that program and I was excited to see what Jeffrey Buttle could create to this music. 

Our session lasted practically the entire day and by the end, I knew all of my choreography. Jeffrey had turned out to be amazing to work with. His choreography was stunning and he was so patient and detail-oriented and I knew he had spent a lot of time thinking about this piece. When we were finished, I took the bus over to the TCC to work a little with Gishlain on my jumps and maybe check in with Brian before the day was over.

On my way in, I bumped into Yuzu who seemed to be leaving for the day. He had his bag slung over his shoulder, his eyes glued to his iPhone screen. 

"Hey Yuzu." I called when I saw him

His head whipped up from his screen, quickly shutting it off before smiling and waving. "Hey."

"You're leaving earlier than usual."

"Yeah, I'm going out tonight." 

"You're going out tonight? Wow." I said with a laugh. "Congrats to whoever got you to agree to that. You always give Misha and I such a hard time when we tried to take you anywhere."

He smiled at that. "Yeah, I felt like it would be good for me to get out this time though."

"Who're you going with?"

"Sakamoto-san." He replied easily.

My heart stopped at that. Kaori Sakamoto? What was she doing in Toronto? Oh... she was here to train with Gishlain for the summer on her jumps.

"Oh... that's nice." I stammered. I didn't know why my heart was racing and why those words felt like they stung so much. Why did I care? It wasn't like Yuzu and I were anywhere close to being friends like we used to. "Have fun." I said with a fake smile I usually saved for the media.

"Evgenia, wait." He said, his eyes concerned. "Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, why?"

"Never mind." He said, shaking his head. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah, see you tomorrow." I replied over my shoulder as I had already started walking away towards the rink. 

Why did I care? I thought furiously. It doesn't even matter, he can go out with whoever he wants to. It'll probably be good for him to get out more. 

I attacked the ice that day with Gishlain with more ferocity than I usually did to the point where Gishlain called me over towards him in the middle of our practice.

"Hey, you seem a little angry today. You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah I'm fine, it's just been a long day."

"Okay, why don't we call it for today then, let you rest. We can get back to it tomorrow." 

I opened my mouth to say that I was fine, but then closed it realizing he was probably right. I wouldn't get anything productive done today. "Okay, thanks. See you tomorrow." I said. 

He nodded and I skated over to the benches to take off my skates and pack my stuff.

As I was walking out the door, I was stopped by Jason who caught my arm as I left.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked with concern. What on Earth was up with people asking that all the time? 

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh, good. I just wanted to make sure that the Internet pictures weren't getting to you."

"The what?"

"Oh...it's not big deal, really. Just somebody posted a couple of pictures of you online."

"Oh, okay." I said evenly, trying to disguise the panic that was coursing through me. What kind of pictures? "Well, see you tomorrow Jason.

"Yup." He said, walking back towards Brian's office. 

The second he was out of sight I whipped out my phone, scrolling through Instagram as fast as I could, searching for whatever pictures Jason had been talking about. There. A picture of me on the ice and Yuzu grabbing my hand to help me up. That had been from my first day here when I was learning those skating exercises. Another one. Yuzu grabbing my wrist and dragging me down that side hallway to talk to me. Another one, Yuzu and I laughing at something one of us had said in the back of Tracy's skating lesson. I sank down to my knees on the floor, my back pressing against the wall. I scrolled through the comments on the pictures despite knowing I probably shouldn't.

Look at them, they're so cute together!

Wow, I didn't used to ship them, but look how they look at each other. My ship is officially sailing.

Ugh, can't she tell that he's not interested in her? She moved halfway across the world to follow that boy and she still can't take a hint.

After scrolling through them for a couple of minutes I clicked my phone off and threw it into my bag. This was why we couldn't be friends, this is why I had originally resolved to forget about him until that day in the hallway. I dropped my head into my hands for a couple seconds, surprised to find my cheeks wet with tears. What was wrong with me?

I furiously wiped them away before grabbing my back and marching out the door. I didn't feel like going back home yet, I had to lose some steam. 

I walked for about ten minutes to the nearby coffee shop, promising myself that I'd just grab a drink and then go home and figure out what to do next. I walked in, ordered hot black coffee, instead of my usual blonde. Maybe the bitterness of the drink could distract me from the empty feeling that was starting to replace that anger that had been surging in me mere minutes before. 

I sat down at the counter, gazing looking out the window as cars streaked by on the road. Something in the reflection caught my attention. That guy at the table in the corner looked like... no, there was no way. I turned around, staring at the corner booth where Yuzu and Kaori were sitting, drinking out of white mugs and eating an assortment of different pastries that they must have gotten here. My face turned bright red upon seeing them together. Yuzu looked so carefree, so happy there. Good, at least he was.

I grabbed my coffee when they called my name and saw an abrupt movement out of the corner of my eye. I glanced over to find Yuzu's eyes locked on mine, he had heard them call Evgenia. I quickly looked away, walking as quickly as I could out of that store and to the bus station. 

Finally reaching the door to my house, I unlocked it, closed it behind me, threw my bag on the couch, collapsed in a chair, and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slightly sad chapter, maybe things will start looking brighter soon!


	6. Help

I don't know how long I sat there, tears running down my cheeks. The thought of those pictures sent a white hot spike of rage through me. Couldn't I just be friends with someone without half the Internet shipping us and the other half hating me for daring to be close to the sacred Yuzuru Hanyu. Maybe it wouldn't be a problem now though, he seemed to make it clear that he didn't want anything to do with me. He had Kaori and he seemed to be happy with her, he didn't need to be friends with me.

At some point, I ran out of tears to cry and I just sat, curled up in the chair, staring at the blank TV screen in front of me. For possibly the first time in my life, I didn't want to watch Sailor Moon or Tokyo Ghoul, I didn't want to do anything. My phone buzzed on the couch next to me. I glanced over at it. It was Jason checking to see if I really was all right and if I wanted to go grab dinner with him and Jun-hwan on Friday this week. I replied with assurances that yes I was fine and but I couldn't go out with them because I had to make some decisions about my programs. That wasn't completely false, I did have to work on making final edits to my free program music and I had to find costumes for both programs. The seasons was coming up soon and I knew that at the first competition, all eyes would be on me.

My phone buzzed again, this time it was from Yuzu. I opened his message, curious why he was texting me.

_Zhenya, can we talk?_

My phone started to ring, he was calling me. I hesitated, did I want to talk to him. Didn't he know it would just make everything worse. I clicked the decline button and texted back.

_Sorry, can't talk right now. See you tomorrow though._

I sighed and finally dragged myself off of the chair and over towards my room. I quickly showered and changed, grabbed my laptop, and plopped down into bed. I glanced over at my phone, I had three unread messages from Yuzu.

_I'm sorry, Zhenya, please just pick up the phone._

_Is it about the pictures? You know I didn't mean for people to think of it that way._

_Please, I just want to help._

My heart swelled a little at how sincere he sounded. I knew that talking to him wouldn't fix anything right now, maybe tomorrow I would. Tonight, I just needed to be alone. I clicked my phone off without responding and opened up my computer. I spent some time searching for costume ideas before realizing I was getting nowhere. With a sigh, I plugged my laptop and phone in to charge and fell asleep.

The next day:

I was a little later than usual getting to the TCC, a part of me was dreading walking back in to face my problems. I walked into my first one within about five seconds of reaching the rink. 

"Zhenya!" I closed my eyes for a second, my back still to him, mentally preparing myself.

"Hey Yuzuru." I said, turning around.

His face fell slightly at the use of his full name. " I texted you last night." He said as I sat down on one of the benches. 

"I know, I'm sorry. I just wanted some time alone." 

"That's okay." He replied. 

I figured that would be the end of the conversation but he sat down on the bench I was on, although a respectful distance away. "I'm really sorry, for those pictures. I know how much that can affect you."

"I'm fine Yuzuru." I spat. "I'm pretty much used to the hate by now." That came out more bitterly than I had expected.

"Oh." He said, shifting uncomfortably on the bench. "Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

"Yeah, stay away from me." I said, my voice now shaking uncontrollably. I could feel tears seeping into my eyes, my hands shaking slightly as they finished lacing up my right skate and moving on to the left.

Yuzu had stiffened next to me, abruptly standing up from the bench. "If that's what you really want." He murmured softly, eyes downcast. When I didn't respond, he walked away, took off his skate guards, and got on the ice.

I left my head fall to my knees, my left skate half laced up, my hands still shaking as I felt the tears spill out of my eyes. I felt somebody sit down next to me, a comforting hand rubbing my back.

"Hey Evgenia." I recognized Brian's voice immediately. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." I replied, my voice a little choked.

"Do you want to take the day off?"

"No." I said quickly. Skating had always been a good distraction for me, a way to forget about my problems and focus on something that I loved.

"Okay, then let me know when you want to get started." 

I nodded my response and he got up and walked back to the ice. That's what I had learned to love about Brian. He was a great coach and would always be there to help you but he would never push you for something that you didn't want to be pushed about.

After a couple minutes of collecting myself, I finished lacing up my left skate and got on the ice. I could feel Yuzu's concerned eyes on me as I circled the rink. He must have seen my crying. I forced myself not to look over at him, instead skating over to Brian. For the first part of the day, we worked on the first part of my short program since I knew that choreography already. The second part of the day was spent working on my jumps. My flutz was improving greatly and my quad salchow was also coming along. I smiled slightly as I landed a lutz with a clean outside edge, at least my skating life hadn't been disrupted.

People slowly started to leave the rink, chattering amongst themselves as they exited the building. Brian, Tracy, and Gishlain eventually left too leaving just me, Jason, Jun-hwan, Yuzu, and a couple other senior skaters at the rink. I skated over the side, it was already nine pm. I decided it was time to go when I realized that Jason and Jun-hwan were packing up too. I didn't want to be left alone with Yuzu tonight. I shoved the skate guards on my skates and packed up my stuff. I said a quick goodbye to Jason and Jun-hwan before walking to the bus stop to go home.

I sat there for about an hour and the bus never came. Was it not running tonight? A glance on my phone told me it was already ten. I finally got up from the bench and started walking. My apartment was about a twenty minute walk from here. As I started walking, the cold night air biting through my jacket. I had been walking for about ten minutes when I heard voices behind me. I turned around and there were four men walking a little ways behind me. They looked to be about in their thirties and they were each carrying an empty beer bottle that they must have finished drinking not too long ago.

I turned back around, quickening my pace slightly when one of them yelled. "Hey!"

I heard their footsteps behind me and I broke into a run. They were faster though and caught up to me, one of them grabbing my wrist, yanking my backwards towards them. "Hey, little girl." He said, his breath stinking of alcohol. I tried to jerk my arm free but his grip was like steel. One of the others grabbed my other wrist so that I was trapped. Terror started to spike through my as I struggled against them. I raised one of my legs, kicking the one in front of me in the stomach causing him to bend over, wheezing. When he recovered, he straightened up, his eyes dark with anger.

"Wrong move, little girl." He hissed. I saw his arm move but I barely registered it until I felt the impact on the side of my face. Pain exploded across my skull as shards of glass exploded against me. He tossed the remains of the now broken beer bottle away down the sidewalk, grabbing me by my shoulders. I could feel warm blood trickling down the right side of my face, the pain in my temple temporarily clouding my senses. 

"You hurt me, I hurt you back." He said with a laugh. I felt them take off my jacket, then my shoes and socks, leaving me in my thin black training shirt and pants. They laughed as I started shivering, the cold air stining my exposed skin. The one who had smashed the bottle against my face grabbed my chin, forcing it upwards so that I was looking right into his eyes. "You don't mess with us." He said darkly.

Then he raised his leg, slamming it against my ribs. I felt the air leave my lungs as I doubled over, pain rippling through me as he did it again. One of them grabbed my shoulders, and slammed me back against pole. The shock of the impact rattling through my bones. His fist slammed against my jaw, sending me reeling. 

"Hey, wait." One of them said, grabbing the guy's fist before he could punch me again. "I know her, she famous."

"What do you mean?"

"She's Evgenia Medvedeva, famous athlete. We should go, we can't do this to famous people. We gonna get in trouble with the police."

The others grunted and they finally released their grip on my wrists. They started walking away but the last one stayed. He pointed a finger at me, "You lucky tonight, little girl. You lucky." He slammed me back against the pole again, this time my legs crumpling beneath me and I slid to the ground. He grunted in satisfaction before walking away to join his buddies.

My mind reeled from the pain that flared every time I tried to get up. My vision was blurred and I couldn't even think straight. I could still feel blood oozing out of my temple and various places on the right side of my face where the bottle had shattered. The cold had taken hold in my skin without my jacket on and I felt myself shivering. I finally gathered enough strength to stand but then my vision darkened and the world started to spin. I hastily slide back down against the pole, blacking out now wouldn't be ideal.

Just then, I heard the purr of an engine slowing down, I could distantly see the glow of headlights in front of me. I felt the pounding of steps through the pavement and then somebody was kneeling next to me. 

"Zhenya, what the heck?" It was Yuzu's voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, there will be fluff soon!


	7. Friends?

It felt like I was dreaming. How did Yuzu of all people get here? 

"Zhenya, you're bleeding!" He murmured, his face filled with concern. 

I blinked blearily up at him, my vision still hazy and my body shaking. He seemed to notice that I was freezing because he took off his jacket, slipping it around my shoulders. I felt his arms wrap around me, pulling me closer to him until my head rested against his chest. I relaxed for a second, forgetting about the pain, just focusing on the warmth from his body and the feel of him next to me. It had been years since he had hugged me, I almost forget how safe it made me feel.

"Come on, we need to get you inside." He said quietly and I pulled away from him.

"My house isn't that far away, I can walk." I replied.

"There is no way I'm letting you walk home alone like that, come on." We wrapped an arm around my waist, helping me stand. My vision darkened and the world began to tilt. I stumbled slightly only to have him catch me. He leaned down slightly so that I could drape my arm over his shoulder. He kept the other hand firmly around my waist and led me to his car. He opened and door and helped me get in before quickly running around and hopping into the driver's seat. 

He had grabbed my bag which had been on the ground beside me and placed it in the back seat. We started driving and I realized we were going the wrong way.

"Yuzu, my house is the other way."

"We're not going to your house, we're going to mine." He replied quietly, eyes fixed on the road, his shoulders tense. He thought I was going to say no, didn't he.

"Are you sure? I can take care of myself, you know."

He finally glanced over at me, his eyes locking with mine. "Please Zhenya, let me help you. Just this once." He pleaded.

I softened slightly at his words. "Okay." I replied quietly.

He turned away with a small smile on his lips. "What happened anyways? You look terrible."

"Wow, thanks."

He face flushed a little bit. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that." He said quickly.

I laughed a little and instantly regretted it as sharp pain shot through my lungs and head. "I know what you mean. I ran into a bunch of drunk guys and... yeah."

"Oh. Why didn't you take the bus?"

"I don't know, it never came." 

He only nodded, continuing to focus on the road. My eyes grew heavy as I lay, curled up in the passenger seat. I closed them slowly, telling myself I would wake up when we got to his house.

A little while later, I felt the car stop and the engine switch off. I was exhausted though, and didn't have the energy to even open my eyes. I heard Yuzu get out of the car and grab my bag out of the back seat. I sat there for a little while, gathering the energy to get up, before I heard my door open. I felt his arms slip under me, one around my back and one underneath my knees. He lifted me up out of the car, closing my door softly behind him. The cold air outside was a shock and I instinctively curled closer against his warm chest. I felt his arms tighten around me until we got inside.

He gently placed me down on what felt like a couch. He lifted my head up and slipped a pillow underneath and gently draped a blanket over my shoulders. After a second, I heard a crackle of flames from a fireplace and I felt the warmth reach my face. His footsteps faded further away and I gradually opened my eyes. I was indeed lying a couch next to a fireplace. The navy colored blanket lay across me, gently tucked around my shoulders. I heard Yuzu come back and turned my head slightly to face him. 

His eyes widened for a second before saying, "You woke up". He slowly kneeled on the ground next to me, placing a bowl of hot water and a small bottle on the ground and grabbing a white cloth from inside the bowl. He squeezed out the water before bringing the cloth to my face, carefully wiping away the dried up blood. My heart swelled at how gentle he was, his eyes narrowed in concentration as the cloth passed over my temple and cheek. 

Seemingly satisfied, he replaced the cloth inside the bowl, turning the water a faded red. The then grabbed the little bottle, squeezing a little bit of it onto his finger. He tenderly swept my hair off to the side before spreading the ointment along the cuts on my face. After finishing, he got up, grabbing the bowl and the bottle, setting them down on what appeared to be the kitchen counter. He busied himself searching through the cabinets before coming back with a roll of bandages in his hand. Ever so carefully, he wrapped the bandage around the wound on my head where the bottle had initially hit. 

He set the bandages aside after finishing, and finally locked his eyes with mine. "Better?" He asked softly.

I gave him a small smile and nodded. "Thank you."

"It's the least I could do for you."

"You don't owe me anything, Yuzu."

"Maybe not." He said, "But I like to know that I'm helping you." With that, he sat on the couch next to me.

"I wouldn't have thought you cared." I said softly.

"I always care, Zhenya. Even if it looks like I don't." 

I looked up to find that his eyes were locked on me. Looking at him now, I realized I'd forgotten how much I missed those warm brown eyes. I imagined how nice it would feel to curl up next to him, how warm he would be beside me. I remembered how safe I had felt for a split second as he had held me back underneath the pole when I was still delirious and shivering. I immediately mentally scolded myself for thinking that. He was with Kaori, I had no right to think about him that way.

That's when I realized I was still staring at him and I quickly broke eye contact, fixing my gaze instead on the fireplace. 

"How did you find me?" I asked suddenly, trying to break the silence.

"Umm... I was driving back from the rink and I saw a person curled under the lamp post and I thought you looked familiar."

"Oh." Was all I could think of to say.

I sat up even as Yuzu protested and tried to gently make me lie back down. "I should be getting home." I said. "But really, thank you for everything."

He looked at me for a second before saying, "Stay, Zhenya. Stay for the night. You shouldn't be moving anywhere when you're still injured and you certainly shouldn't spend the night alone."

"What about you mom? She probably doesn't want me here."

"My mom is in Sendai, she won't be back for another two weeks." 

"Well, you probably have better things to do than take care of some random girl you found on the streets." I said tightly. I wasn't sure why that sounded so bitter or why I wanted to leave so badly but in that moment, I couldn't stand being there with him.

He looked legitimately hurt by my words. "You're not a random girl, Zhenya. You're my friend." 

"Am I?" I challenged.

He looked stunned. "Of course. You telling me to stay away can't destroy everything that we had before." 

So my words earlier had hurt him. "You know why we can't be... like we used to be." I said looking away.

"Since when does Zhenya let a couple mean comments on the Internet control her life?" He asked quietly. "You got so much more hate for moving than you did for those pictures and yet here you are, you still came. Why is this any different? Do you hate me that much now that you won't even try?"

He thought I hated him. I turned back to him, momentarily shocked by the sadness written all over his face. "I don't hate you, Yuzu." I said quietly. "I could never hate you, after all that we've been through together."

He relaxed slightly at that. "Then try, Zhenya." He whispered. "Try before you give up."

I couldn't resist him any more, I couldn't fight him on this. Slowly, I lowered myself back down, resting my head not on the pillow, but against his chest. With my head over his heart, I could feel it accelerating and he slipped an arm around my shoulders to pull me closer to him. I curled slightly to be more comfortable, my knee coming to rest against his leg. 

"I'm sorry if you thought I didn't care." Yuzu murmured. "I never meant for it to look that way."

"I know." I said simply, not knowing what else to say. I only knew one thing that I had shut away for so long that I thought it had disappeared. Something that I had refused to accept or think about knowing the damage it could cause. But lying here in his house, curled up next to him like this, I couldn't forget about it any more. I was in love with Yuzuru Hanyu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked the chapter. Feel free to share any thoughts or suggestions in the comments!


	8. Recovering

I was in love with Yuzuru Hanyu. The realization hit me so hard it was difficult to think about anything else. Maybe I had known for a while and chosen to hide it away. Rightfully so too, that path would lead to nothing but hurting myself. Yuzu was already dating Kaori, a girl who was literally perfect for him. She was nice, pretty, and most importantly for the media, she was Japanese. I wasn't somebody who could associate myself with him, I had lost the respect of most of the world by switching coaches. 

Sitting here with him though, curled up next to him on the coach, it was hard to forget how I felt. He was holding me so gently, probably trying to comfort me after all the events of the past couple days. His heart rate had slowed down the longer we sat there, both of us relaxing a little bit. Just when I decided I could probably stay like this forever with him, he shifted slightly next to me. "Come on, Zhenya, we both need some sleep."

"Mmm hmm." I murmured my agreement, slowly dragging myself away from the comfort of his embrace. As I stood up from the coach, the world tilted a little bit and I felt Yuzu's steadying hands grab my shoulders.

"Careful." He said.

Now that I was standing, I realized that I had no idea where I was supposed to go. "Ummm, where should I sleep?"

"There's only one bedroom." Yuzu replied, color filling his cheeks as I looked incredulously over my shoulder. "I can sleep on the couch though." He added quickly.

"It fine. I don't want to kick you out of your own room." I blushed slightly at that too, realizing what that sounded like.

"Okay... as long as you don't mind." He said gently leading me away from the couch and towards a door on the other side of the room.

I could only nod, not trusting myself to say anything else.

His room was bigger than I expected when we walked into it. His bed was tucked into the corner, my breath easing a little as I realized it was more than big enough for two people to sleep in without being awkwardly close. His desk was located on the other side. It was strewn with papers and notebooks covered in messy Japanese handwriting. His gold medals from Sochi and Pyeongchang sat side by side on the corner. It seemed ironic to see two medals that were most people's dreams placed so seemingly casually on a desk. 

Yuzu helped me sit down on the bed before walking over to his closet, grabbing clothes to change into. He tossed a t-shirt and gym shorts over to me and I realized that I didn't have any other clothes to wear. 

"You should change." He said quietly before leaving the room, probably going to the bathroom that I had seen not too far away. Sure enough, the sound of running water from the shower soon came through the walls. I carefully changed out of my training clothes, slipping into what he had given me. They were a little big, but they were soft and comfortable. I was feeling too dizzy to do much else so I laid down in the bed, dragging the blankets up to my chin. His sheets were soft and warm and the mattress was so wonderfully comfortable. Within minutes, I felt myself drifting off to sleep.

I was abruptly woken when I heard the door open as Yuzu came back. I didn't open my eyes, hoping to avoid making the situation awkward as I felt him climb over me and lie down. I noticed then that I was curled facing him but if I moved now, I would probably give away the fact that I was awake. 

I felt his weight shift slightly on the other side of the bed and I felt his hand slowly brush away the hair that had fallen over my face. "Good night, Zhenya." He said, so softly that I could barely hear him. He pulled his hand away and eventually, I felt his breathing even out until I knew he was sound asleep. I finally opened my eyes, having failed to fall asleep myself with him next to me. He looked so peaceful sleeping, his face relaxed, a small smile on his lips from whatever he was dreaming about. Moonlight was streaming in from a window, making his pale skin glow like an angel. That's what he looked like, I decided, an angel. "Good night, Yuzu." I replied back despite the fact that he had said those words about a half an hour earlier.

I finally turned the other way so that my back was facing him. I closed my eyes and eventually, I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning with sunlight streaming in through the window. What time was it? My phone wasn't next to my bed like it usually was. Reality finally jolted back into me when I realized this wasn't my room. I turned my head suddenly over to the other side of the bed to find Yuzu already gone. The sudden movement caused my head to ache, reminding me of my injuries. I slowly sat up, wiping the tiredness out of my eyes just as the door opened. 

"You're up." Yuzu said quickly upon seeing me sitting. "I made breakfast." 

"I didn't know you could cook." I replied, surprised.

"I'm not sure what I did qualified as cooking, but it's something." He handed me a small bowl filled with congee. I remembered eating every time I was in Japan for competitions or ice shows. He knew it had been one of my favorite things to eat.

"You remembered." I said, looking at him with a smile.

He laughed, a little embarrassed. "Of course I do." 

I sat there, eating in silence, before realizing a very important fact. "Yuzu, what time is it?"

"Nine."

My eyes widened in panic and I abruptly swung my legs off the bed, causing another wave of dizziness to hit me. "I'm so late for practice, Brian is gonna kill me."

"Shhh," Yuzu said with a laugh, pushing me back onto the bed. "I texted Brian already and told him what happened. Today was already my day off and now it's yours too. You need to rest and recover, you definitely can't skate if you can't get out of bed without being dizzy."

He was right, and I finished eating my breakfast quietly. He took the bowl from me when I was done. "Come on, you can sit on the couch if you want." He said, walking out the door and towards the kitchen. I swung my legs off the bed, slower this time, and stood up. I stood still for a while, letting the dizziness fade, before slowly walking out of the bedroom. Yuzu was washing the dishes in the kitchen but he gestured his head over to where I had sat the night before. "Go sit down, we can watch Tokyo Ghoul or something if you want." 

We? He was staying here? "Yuzu you can go out if you want, it's you day off, you're supposed to have fun."

"Oh, it's fine. I rarely go out anyways." He replied as I sat on the couch. "Besides, what kind of friend would I be to leave you all alone when you're still injured." He said with a smile.

After he finished cleaning up, he came and sat down next to me, surprisingly close. He grabbed a remote next to him and turned on the first episode of Tokyo Ghoul. "I haven't actually seen this before so we're going to have to start from the beginning." 

"You haven't seen it before?!" I said, aghast. "Well we'd better fix that." 

"I guess so." He replied with a smile.

As the episode began to play, I slowly lowered my head so that it rested on his shoulder. I felt him tense up and panic spiked through me. Had I gone too far? He had been the one to sit this close to me so it wasn't technically my fault. Then, I felt him relax a little bit and he raised an arm to loop around my shoulders. I relaxed too, enjoying the feeling of comfort that came from his embrace. Maybe tomorrow, things would go back to normal and we would be separate again but for now, I could allow myself to enjoy this moment for as long as it lasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! As always, feel free to comment suggestions or thoughts down below! I always love reading what you have to say!


	9. Try

The next couple of hours were some of the best that I had had since moving to Canada. For once, I forgot about the hate on the Internet, I forgot about my flutz and the upcoming decisions I needed to make for my programs, I simply let myself enjoy this time with Yuzu. He spent most of the time with his eyes glued to the screen, soaking in his first experience with Tokyo Ghoul. I still was shocked that he had somehow been Misha and I's friend for years and hadn't even seen an episode. Still, he seemed to be enjoying it now. That is, until his phone buzzed, someone was calling him.

He glanced over at it and my heart sank a little at the name there, Kaori. He glanced guiltily over at me where my head was still resting against his shoulder. I immediately sat up, scooting away from him despite the hurt look in his eyes and the spinning in my head. "Talk to her." I said with an encouraging nod, grabbing the remote to pause the episode. He hesitated for a second before nodding, and pressing the accept button.

He stood up and walked a little ways away, despite fully knowing that I couldn't understand any Japanese. He walked back a few minutes later sitting back down on the couch where he had been moments before, but I remained a good distance away from him, cruelly dragged back into the reality that he was with Kaori-san. "Ummm... I'm really sorry, Zhenya, but I have to leave this afternoon."

"To see Kaori?"

He blushed. "Yeah."

I decided to try to save him from his embarrassment. Why did he look so uncomfortable? He was allowed to go see his girlfriend. "That's fine." I said, with a little bit too much false cheeriness that I knew he recognized by the sadness in his eyes.

"You can stay here though for another night." He offered.

"No, no, no, it's fine. I've already stayed too long." I said with a smile. "I'll just take the bus home." I was already starting to walk towards the door even as my vision darkened and the world started to spin.

"There's no way you're taking the bus home like that." Yuzu said, crossing the distance between us with two strides and practically dragging me back to the couch.

"No really, I'm fine." I assured him even as he gently pushed me back down.

"At least let me change the bandage and drive you home." He said pleadingly.

I knew that I should at least try to compromise. "Okay." I said finally and he gave a brief nod before walking away to find the roll of bandages he had used last night. He came back a couple seconds later, bandages in hand along with the same bottle of ointment he had used last night. He carefully sat down next to me and started to unwrap the bandage around my head. Once he was done, he placed it on the ground and I saw how bloody it was. He wordlessly swept my hair to the side and gently applied the ointment. I hissed slightly as it stung the open wound and he paused for a second before continuing. I was silent the rest of the time as he finished by placed a clean bandage back on. "Thank you." I whispered.

"You're welcome." Was all he said before getting up to discard the old bandage and replace the medical supplies wherever he had gotten them from.

"Let's go." I said when he walked back into the room.

"Now?" He asked, surprised.

"Yeah, if you're gonna drive me, you need time to drive there and back and then to wherever you're meeting Kaori."

"Yeah, I guess." He said sadly, grabbing the remote and turning off the TV. "You have to promise you'll come back though so we can finish Tokyo Ghoul."

I stared at him for a second, shocked. Come back? As far as I knew, Yuzu had never had anybody come to his house before, not even Javi. I had assumed he'd only taken me here out of pity and maybe a want to heal our friendship but he wanted me to come back? "Are you sure that's... a good idea?" I asked hesitantly, the practical side of me overcoming the part of me that wanted to agree without a doubt.

"Why not?" He asked, slightly hurt.

"Yuzu, you now why."

"I thought you said you'd try." He said, his eyes filled with sadness.

"I will try, I am trying." I replied quickly. "We can still talk to each other at the rink and stuff but, coming back here? Don't get me wrong, I loved being here and spending time with you, but is it really the best idea?"

"There's no reason the media will know."

"The media always knows." I shot back, didn't he of all people know that by now? The media practically tracked his every move.

"Well then, forget about the media, forget about all of that." He said desperately. "You never used to care about that before."

"That was before all of this! That was before I moved here and the everybody decided to hate me. That was before I took a leap into the dark in the hopes of saving my career. That was before I lost everything." I had raised my voice now, practically shouting those things at him before instantly regretting it by the look on his face.

"You didn't lose everything, Zhenya." He said quietly. "And not everybody hates you. Sometimes, it can seem that way because the haters talk louder than the lovers but you can't judge the numbers by how many comments you see. You just have to trust that for every hater you see, there are ten more fans behind them that just don't feel the need to share their opinions with the world."

I nodded at his words, already feeling bad for yelling at him. I hadn't meant to tell him those things, I hadn't meant to tell anyone those things. "I'm sorry, the last thing you probably need in your life is my problems too." I said weakly, sinking back onto the couch. I didn't know why but I felt tears in my eyes as I placed my head in my hands. Was I really this weak?

I felt him sit down softly next to me, wrapping both of his arms around me so that my head nestled against his chest. "I think you need to learn that there are more people that care about you than you think, Zhenya. You don't have to do everything alone." I let his words calm me, letting the tears in my eyes dry before pulling away from his embrace.

"Thank you Yuzu, for everything." I said, sincerely meaning it. "I should really go home though."

He only nodded this time, helping me stand, and supporting me during my initial dizziness before walking with me outside and to his car. The drive was mostly silent after I typed my address into his phone, letting it give him directions instead of me. When we finally got there, he got out of the car with me and handed me my bag. He walked beside me to my front door where I thanked him again. He nodded and began to walk away before turning around and looking me right in the eye. "You're not alone, Zhenya, even though you think you are. Open you eyes and you'll realize you have more people to count on than you think."

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak, but keeping my eyes locked on him. Even as my hand reached for the doorknob, I was unable to tear my eyes away from his as he blinked at me. I gave him a small smile, before abruptly turning away, pushing the door open, and stepping into my house.

The rest of the day I spent resting, hoping to let my head recover enough so I could start skating tomorrow or the day after. As I lay in bed that night, I felt myself missing his warmth next to me and his words rang in my head. _You're not alone Zhenya. Open your eyes, and you'll realize you have more people to count on than you think_. Did he mean himself, or somebody else? He had been so good to me and so kind, I owed it to him to give it a chance. I stared up at the ceiling of my bedroom as I tried to process everything that happened. _I'll give it a try_ , I thought. Besides, as long as I could put away my feelings, what harm could come out of an innocent friendship with one of my training mates?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoy the chapter! Feel free to comment down below as always!


	10. Realization

I woke up the next morning to sunlight streaming into my room. I had texted the Brian night before that I wasn't going to be at the TCC today and he told me to just rest until I felt ready to come back. I grabbed my phone on the table next to bed to find a couple unread messages from Jason, Jun-hwan, and Yuzu.

Jason and Jun-hwan had texted saying they heard about what happened and wanted to know if I was okay. I quickly reassured them that I was recovering and would be back at the TCC by next week as today was already Friday.

Yuzu had texted also asking how I was feeling but also if he could come over to my place later in the afternoon to finish Tokyo Ghoul. My heart pounded at his request, and I hesitated slightly. No harm could come out of it, right? Yuzu wouldn't have practice tomorrow since it was Saturday so he could relax this afternoon. I texted him back saying sure, he could come, and finally dragged myself out of bed. I hadn't even showered the day before, too dizzy and disoriented to do much other than relax and watch anime. I had done a little bit of costume shopping without much success and had given up within about fifteen minutes.

Standing up, I noticed my dizziness wasn't as bad as it had been the previous day, at least I seemed to be recovering well. Looking in the mirror to the bathroom, I realized I was still wearing the clothes Yuzu had given me the night I had stayed at his house. After showering and changing, I put his clothes in the washing machine so that I could give them back to him when he came over. Since I was already feeling better, I figured I'd try to have a productive morning and then use the afternoon as time to relax with Yuzu. Despite my earlier hesitation, I was looking forward to him coming. I hadn't realized how much I missed his company until now. When we had been at the same competitions together, we could fool around after the gala and at the dinners that followed. We, well I, had had so much fun joking, talking, and laughing with him and Misha as the stress from the competition faded into the past. That was before everything though, now it felt so different. The last thing I wanted to do now was give skating fans another reason to hate me. That being said, I had promised Yuzu I'd try and I figured I might as well enjoy the time we got to spend together.

After a couple hours of costume searching, I had narrowed down a couple of design options that I liked for the short program. I sketched them out like I learned how to do in Russia. It was there that I figured out it was easiest to get what you really wanted if you created the designs yourself so I had learned how to carefully draw out the costumes that I wanted that I could then send to the costume makers for them to create. I finished sketching out the three designs I was thinking about for my short program. The first one was a deep red color, classy and elegant, something that would flow well with the music. The second was a royal blue as the main part of the costume but long sleeves made out of darker mesh with a short blue skirt. The third was purple, with long ombre sleeves that faded into lighter purple gloves. It was a beautiful idea but the more I looked at it, the more skeptical I became of whether it would fit the jazzy mood of the program. 

Just then, the doorbell rang and a quick glance at the clock told me it was already the afternoon. Yuzu was here. I quickly left the sketches on the small desk in the corner where I had been working and walked over to open the door. 

"Hey Yuzu." I said upon seeing him standing there, stepping aside to let him walk in.

"Hi." He said with a smile. "You seem to be feeling better."

"Yeah, I'm probably going to go back to training on Monday."

He nodded as he sat his training bag down near the door and took of his shoes. 

"Do you want anything to drink? You're probably tired after training?" I asked, remembering my manners.

He grinned over at me, noticing my slightly flustered behavior. "Sure, water would be great." He replied.

I walked over the kitchen, eager to escape the awkwardness of the situation. Maybe this was going to be harder than I thought. I filled a glass up with water and walked back to find him leaning over the drawings that I had left out on my desk. 

He nodded his thanks as I handed him the glass. "Are these for your short?" He asked, gesturing at the pictures.

"Yeah, I'm trying to make costume decisions. I couldn't really decide between these three though. I just drew them out to see what they would look like to make sure I made the right decision."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You drew these?"

"Mmmm hmmm. I learned how to in Russia. It's easier that way because then you get exactly what you want."

He just shook his head in amazement before turning back to the sketches. He picked the red one up first, analyzing it, placed it back down, and picked up the blue and purple ones in the same manner. "That one." He said, pointing to the blue one.

"What?"

"You should use that one. It'll go best with your music and choreography."

"Oh." Was all I could say as he picked up the drawing pencil that was on the desk and slowly started to draw lines along the front. I had forgotten that costumes was an area of expertise for him. "Just a thought, you could add more rhinestones there, it'll look nice on the ice." He said, setting the pencil down. 

"Thanks." I said with a smile. At least that was one decision out of the way, assuming I took his advice. 

"Come on though," I said, tugging on his arm. "You didn't come here to talk about my costumes. You came so we could finish part of Tokyo Ghoul."

He laughed but allowed me to drag him over to couch. He sat down as I grabbed the remotes. I plopped down next to him, close enough that his arm brushed against mine and I felt my heart rate accelerate. I made sure to keep a neutral face though, intent on keeping my emotions a secret. As I turned on the episode of Tokyo Ghoul that we had been watching, I sat there uncomfortably, unsure of what to do. I could almost see him smiling inwardly at my awkwardness as he slipped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me against him so my head rested against his chest. I relaxed a little there, a feeling of warmth and comfort spreading through me. 

Halfway through the episode, I realized this wasn't something that friends would usually do. The fact he was holding me against him so gently and tenderly, the fact that I was enjoying the feel of his arm around me so much. This isn't right, part of me said. He has a girlfriend. But, I was also sure he didn't mean it that way, he just wanted to be friends. He of all people knew that the last couple of days had been hard and he was probably just trying to take care of me. But still, why did it feel so different? 

I forced those thoughts out of my head as the episode finished. "Do you want to watch another one?" Yuzu asked. With my head pressed against him like this, I could feel the rumble of his voice through his lungs when he spoke.

"If you have time." I replied, surprised at how steady my voice was. 

"Of course I have time." 

He said it so casually, but I knew that couldn't be completely true. Yuzuru Hanyu was probably one of the busiest people I knew, he always had his head focused on his programs or jumps, otherwise he was focused on his university studies. There was no way he had nothing to do.

"Yuzu, you're always busy." I protested.

"Not tonight." He said quietly. "Tonight there's nowhere I need to be other than here."

My blood froze at his words. Did he realize what that sounded like?

"What about Kaori?" I asked, instantly regretting it after the words left my mouth.

Silence for a second then, "What do you mean?"

I pulled away from him incredulously. "Yuzu, she's your girlfriend! You have to respect her a little bit." 

A confused look passed over his face. "Girlfriend? I'm not... dating Kaori." He said uncomfortably, color rising in his cheeks.

Not dating Kaori? How was that possible.

"She's just here for a couple of weeks for choreography and then she's going back to Japan. She just wanted to meet up a couple times because she doesn't speak English very well and wanted to spend some time with somebody she could actually talk to."

Oh... I don't know why my heart accelerated so much at his words. He was... available? That sounded so wrong in my head but I couldn't stop thinking about it. "Oh." Was all I managed to say.

An awkward silence filled the room as I looked uncomfortably and the paused TV screen and Yuzu shifted nervously on his side of the couch. "Well? Do you want to watch the next episode?" He asked finally, breaking the silence.

"Sure." I said, settling back against the cushions, this time far enough away from him that he couldn't pull me back against him. I don't know why I kept my distance, the fact that we wasn't dating somebody else should have made being close to him less awkward, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself back to him. Maybe because he wasn't dating it meant that there was a chance, a chance that he could feel the same way. I mentally scolded myself, Yuzu had no feelings for me. He was just my friend. If I laid back down against him again, there was a good chance that I would forget that.

We watched the rest of the episode silently although I could feel Yuzu's eyes flicking over to me every couple of minutes. I could tell that he was slightly confused by my reaction to that information but I also knew that he would never understand. 

When the episode finished, I turned off the TV and glanced at my phone, it was ten o'clock. "It's getting late." I said carefully.

Yuzu nodded at what I was hinting, rising from the couch and making his way over to the door. I followed him as he grabbed his bag and reached to the doorknob. Before he turned it though, he turned back so he was facing towards me. 

"Thank you, for letting me come here tonight, Zhenya." He said quietly.

"Of course, thank you for coming." I said, sincerely meaning it.

He hesitated for a second, his eyes clouding with an emotion I couldn't place. He opened his mouth, and then shut it again after a second.

I raised my eyebrows. "What?" I asked with a laugh. I had never seen him at a loss for words before.

He hesitated again before stepping closer to me, looping his arms around my waist to pull me against him. I closed my eyes as my head rested against his chest, enjoying the warmth of his embrace before he pulled away. "I know I told you I wanted to come here to watch Tokyo Ghoul, and that was definitely true." He started. "But, I also came to tell you something, something that I think you should know."

I tilted my head slightly, encouraging him to continue.

He bit his lip, hesitating again before finally starting to talk again. "Spending time with you at competitions was some of the best times that I had. I know that I was usually reluctant to go out with you and Misha but I never regretted it, not even once." He said. "Over the past couple of years, it's been so great getting to be friends with you and we have so many great memories together."

Where on Earth was he going with this?

"When I heard you were coming to Toronto, I thought it would be great and we could be friends again just like we used to. But, we can't." He murmured and my heart fell to my stomach. He had been the one just two days ago begging me to try and now he said that? What changed his mind?

I knew he saw the hurt expression on my face because he pulled me back against his chest, wrapping his arms higher up on my back and brought his head down so that his breath tickled against my ear. "We can't be friends like we used to, because... I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe the story is ten chapters long already and there's still so much more! I hope you all enjoy it so far. As always, feel free to share thoughts, comments, or suggestions down below! I always love reading your comments and it inspires me to keeping writing <3.


	11. Like a Dream

As his words registered in my mind, my body froze. With my head against his chest, I could feel his heart beat racing, he was waiting for my answer. I pulled back away from him so that I could look him in eye, the calmness in his face so different from the racing of his heart. 

"Yuzu, I..." I stopped, I didn't even know what to say. Why was this so hard? The boy of my dreams had just told me he was in love with me too, why couldn't I just say it back?

His face fell a little at my hesitation. "It's okay, if you don't feel the same way." He said quietly. "We can still be friends." His brown eyes were fixed on me so intently, I knew I had to say something now or I would regret it forever.

"It's not that." I said, so quietly I wasn't sure he heard. "I just can't see how it would work." Tears flooded my eyes and I quickly lowered my head to shield them from his view. Frustration building in me as the reality of the situation took hold. I loved him and he loved me, but we could never be together.

"Don't say that, Zhenya." He placed a hand under my chin, lifting my head up to face him. "Why not try?"

"Because I'm afraid." And there it was, little more than a whisper, but it carried so much truth. I was afraid what the world would say if they say me together with him. I was afraid of the all the comments that would flood social media, I was afraid to anger the world.

"We'll face all of that, together." He said, hope in his voice. He gently used his other hand to wipe away the tears that had escaped my eyes, brushing his thumb against my skin. "I promise I'll be there, every step of the way, no matter what the media has to say."

"I know, Yuzu." I replied quietly, gently grabbing his hand in mine as more tears spilled out of my eyes. I laced my fingers with his, savoring the feel of his hand in mine. "I know." The part of me that resisted was collapsing, dissolving under the sincerity of his gaze.

Slowly, he lifted my chin up higher, bringing his head down closer to mine until our lips touched. The contact sent shivers down my spine as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. This time, I hugged him back, slipping my arms over his shoulders as the kiss deepened. I had dreamed of this moment for years, thinking then that it could never be a reality, but now, it was more magical than I thought it could ever be. 

I pulled away first, although leaving my arms wrapped around him, not quite ready to let him go. I leaned forward to rest my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes and enjoying the tenderness of his embrace. "Don't leave." I whispered so quietly I was sure he wouldn't have heard me unless I was this close to his ear.

"I wasn't going to." 

I relaxed my grip on a little at that. He wasn't leaving yet. He pulled back enough to look me in the eye again. "Do you want to watch another episode of Tokyo Ghoul."

I grinned. "I told you you'd be obsessed with it once you gave it a chance."

He only smiled, pulling me back towards the couch where I turned on the next episode. This time, I snuggled against him without hesitation, my head nestling against his neck, one arm looped around his stomach. He wrapped an arm around my waist, turning his to the side to bring his lips to mine. The gesture was so casual but it was like lightning through my body. He smiled at me as he pulled away. "What?" I asked with a laugh.

"I can't believe this is real." He murmured. I knew what he meant, because I felt the same way. How could this be happening after so many years?

I tightened my hold on him, squeezing him gently. "It's real." I replied, and we both turned our attention back to the TV. For tonight, I let myself forget about the consequences of what could come out of this, for now, I just wanted him.

After the episode finished, I let him go shower while I changed and got ready for bed. I hadn't even mentioned him going back to his house, I wasn't ready for him to leave yet, and he hadn't seemed inclined to leave either. I had given him the clothes he had given me before to change into since I had washed them earlier that day. He definitely wasn't going to fit into any of my clothes so it was good that I had some of his.

I showered too after he finished, drying my hair after and getting ready for bed. When I quietly opened the door to my room, I saw that Yuzu was already in the bed. He had settled on the far side of the bed so I wouldn't have to climb over him. I slipped under the blankets carefully, trying not to wake him up, but my efforts were unsuccessful. He blinked sleepily up at me as I settled under the blankets. He opened his arms slightly and I rolled over to him, letting him wrap him tightly against him, burying his face in my hair. I curled against him, enjoying the warmth and feel of his body next to mine. He pulled away enough to lower his head and bring his lips to mine. This time, the kiss was longer and deeper. I knew I would never get tired of the soft warmth of his mouth on mine. I let my fingers wander up his neck, twisting them into his hair which was soft as silk. I eventually pulled my mouth away from his and nestled my head against his neck, letting my fingers slide out of his hair and wrap around his shoulders. "Good night, Zhenya." He whispered, still clutching me against him, he seemed as afraid to let go of me as I was to let go of him.

"Good night, Yuzu." I whispered. For the first time since I had moved to Canada, I feel asleep without a worry in my mind. It was as if his presence next to me shielded me from the thoughts that had plagued me and I slept peacefully through the night, curled against the boy that I loved. But soon I would learn, that all good things can always come to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter but sweet! I hope you guys enjoy the fluff while it lasts :).


	12. Coming back

As I woke up the next morning, I kept my eyes closed, shielding them from the blinding light coming through the windows. Fear coursed through me as I remembered the events of last night. Had that all just been a dream? Quickly, I felt a source of heat next to me and my fear dissipated. Slowly I opened my eyes to find Yuzu curled up next to me, his eyes still closed, his breathing smooth and even. His arms were still wrapped around me even as he slept and I let myself take a moment to admire him up close. Everything last night had happened so quickly that I hadn't had time to process it but now, I let the realization of what was happening settle in me.

I reached up to gently brush a strand of hair that had fallen into his eyes away but the movement seemed to wake him. After a couple seconds, he opened his eyes, blinking sleepily and squinting as his eyes adjusted to the light.

"Good morning." I said with a smile.

He grinned back, his eyes shining as their lost their sleepy appearance. 

"Come on, we should get up." I said, already removing myself from his arms, sliding out of bed. He rubbed his eyes with mumbled complaints but soon followed. After a quick breakfast, we both decided to try to get some work done before having time to relax. We both had important decisions to make about our programs. Yuzu had already chosen the music for both his programs, they were going to be tributes to two skaters that he had admired for years, Johnny Weir and Evgeni Plushenko. He was working on choosing costumes but already pretty much had a good idea in mind for what he wanted.

I, on the other hand, still had to pick the music for my long program and I was still at a loss for costume choices. The blue costume Yuzu had selected last night was growing on me, whether or not the fact that he approved of it was swaying my decision or not I couldn't tell but I had a feeling that was going to be the one. I got to work on finding music for my long program. Brian and Tracy had given me some ideas and I spent the morning working through them, trying to find something that would fit. 

By that afternoon, I hadn't gotten very far but Yuzu was insistent on watching another episode of Tokyo Ghoul. After his third attempt to take me away from my music choices, I finally relented and sat down with him on the couch. Being able to snuggle with him like this so casually had been nothing more than a fantasy just yesterday morning and now it was reality. We spent the rest of the day relaxing, enjoying each other's company. Tomorrow we would be back at practice and we both had things to do, but today we let ourselves have fun. I hadn't realized how up tight I had been before until now, when I found myself truly happy for the first time really since I had been to Canada. It was a good feeling to smile and laugh again like I used to. For now, it felt like there was nothing that could go wrong in the world and even the daunting new season ahead couldn't penetrate my happiness.

The next day:

Yuzu had gone back to his own house the night before so that he could get organized for our practice session today. In hindsight, that was probably a good idea so as to avoid the questions that would have undoubtedly come if we had walked into the TCC together. Things were going well that day, my jumps were pretty much all clean and I could already feel the fluidity of my skating improving from the numerous skating exercises Brian had taught me. I was even able to land a my first quad salchow, although in harness. Brian had applauded me with a smile, saying that maybe we could try to incorporate it in my programs later on in the season when I could jump it consistently. We both knew that it was going to be important to learn the quads before Alexandra Trusova, Anna Sncherbakova, and Alena Kostornaia became seniors. I had trained with them before I had left and had seen first-hand their amazing jumps. While my skating skills were going to be an important aspect of my training, I also needed the technical components that would keep me competitive with the younger skaters.

My contact with Yuzu was pretty minimal throughout the day. We had both agreed it would be better to keep our relationship quiet for now. There was no point in agitating the media with any pictures that could leak onto the Internet. We still talked with each like we always had at the rink, but to everybody watching us, we were no more than friends.

As I packed up at the end of the day, I still had a smile on my face from everything I had accomplished. I almost made it out of the TCC with that feeling until I felt a hand tug on my sleeve. Whirling around, I realized it was Kaori. What did she want?

"Hi Evgenia, could I talk to you?" She asked nervously.

"Yeah, sure. What's up?" Kaori and I were decently close, we had spent time together at countless competitions and ice shows. What was wrong.

"Could we talk, somewhere more private?" 

I had forgotten we were still in the main section of the club. "Yeah sure." I said, leading the way to one of the side hallways. I turned around as I closed the door behind me. "What did you want to talk about?" I asked.

"Well," she began, shifting nervously from foot to foot. "You're one of Yuzu-kun's closest friends so I thought that I'd ask you."

"Closest friends might be a stretch but okay." I said with a laugh, remembering that to everybody else, nothing had changed from last week.

"Okay, well I don't really know how to say this." Kaori started. "I don't even know why I'm telling you but I want to tell somebody. Maybe you'll have advice?"

"Well I won't if you don't tell me what it is." I said with a smile, curious.

"I like Yuzu." She blurted out. My blood froze.

"What?"

"I know, it isn't really expected." She said quickly. "I mean, a lot of people like Yuzu so maybe it is expected but I can't tell if he likes me. I mean, he always comes out with me when I ask him to but sometimes I think he's just being friendly. How can I tell if he likes me back?"

I stood in silence for a couple seconds, shocked. What could I possibly say to that. "Ummmm, I'm not sure." I said, not knowing what else to say.

"I mean, it would be okay right? The media might even approve of it since I'm Japanese and everything... that came out worse than I thought." 

"Yeah, maybe. Maybe you should just talk to him?" I felt trapped. There was nothing I could do but try to look like a helpful friend. Her words also stung a little, a reminder that the world would never approve of Yuzu and I.

"Yeah, maybe I should." She said thoughtfully. "Sorry for bothering you, Zhenya. You look stressed." 

"No, no, no, I'm fine." I said with a small smile.

"Okay, well, goodbye for now!" She said sweetly before walking away. I remained standing in the hallway, not sure of what to do. The fact that Kaori liked Yuzu significantly increased the chance that she would find out about us. If she found out, it would only be a matter of time before the world knew and then what?

I took a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. If she talked to Yuzu, he would find a firm, but polite way to shut her down, hopefully. She would be going back to Japan eventually to train and once she left, she would forget her feelings eventually. For now, I just had to make sure that she didn't find out, because then everything would explode.

I finally left the hallway, my head pounding with a headache from my worries. One day, I had been back in the real world for one day and I already felt like I was walking on eggshells. How were we going to be able to do this for months?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I haven't posted in a while! I've been super busy with finals at the end of the year and I needed to focus on studying but now I'm done so hopefully I'll be able to post more! 
> 
> Feel free to comment down below! I really love reading everything you guys have to say and it really inspires me to keep writing <3\. Thank you so much for all of the positive feedback so far!


	13. Approval

That night, I Yuzu and I went to his house after training was over. We had a nice time relaxing after the long day and I couldn't find it in me to tell him about what Kaori had told me. First of all, that would be a horrible betrayal of the trust she had placed in me by telling me that and second, I just wanted the night to relax. I knew that I couldn't run from my problems for too long and they would eventually catch up with me but I promised myself I'd face it all tomorrow.

As we lay curled up on the couch, Yuzu suddenly turned towards me. "So... there's something that I have to tell you." He said quietly. Why did that sound like there was bad news?

"What?" I asked curiously.

"My mom is coming back here to visit tomorrow."

Oh... his mom. That was one of the problems that I had been avoiding even thinking about. I knew deep down that both of our parents wouldn't approve of our relationship. I knew for a fact that Yuzu's mom was very traditional and would want her son to date and marry and nice, pretty, respectable Japanese girl, not a Russian traitor. "Oh." Was all I could think of to say, his warmth of his embrace feeling a little less comforting than before.

"I think we have to tell her." He continued. "We have to tell both of our parents eventually, and keeping it from them will only make them angrier when they do find out." He had a point.

"Okay." I whispered, already scared by what her reaction would be.

"Do you want to be there?" He asked. He meant when he talked to her about it.

I thought about that for a second. Did I want to face the rage of Yumi Hanyu? "Yes." I finally responded. I would fight for this, this boy who had been my friend and now something more. I wouldn't let it slip away without fighting for it with everything I had.

"Then we'll come back here together tomorrow and I guess we'll see what she has to say."

"Great plan." I said sarcastically but smiled. If his mom by some miracle approved, some of my worries would disappear. Even if we still had so many people to convince, having support from Yuzu's mom somehow seemed like on of the bigger obstacles to overcome.

"I should be getting home soon." I said after a period of silence. "I promised Brian I'd get to the rink early so we could run my short." 

"Okay, I'll drive you." He said getting up. I knew better than to refuse and followed him out the door. 

When we reached my house, he leaned towards me for a brief kiss before I got out of the car. I waved my goodbye as I watched the tail lights of the car disappear around the corner of the road. My stomach churned as I realized there was a possiblity that that was our last night together. No. I told myself. It wouldn't be, I wouldn't let that happen. Even so, I slept fitfully that night, a thousand worries on my mind, and all of them centered around a relationship that had been a dream just a week ago.

The next day:

I got the rink the next day a lot earlier than I had promised Brian. After having barely slept the night before, I had finally dragged myself out of bed at 5 am, realizing I wasn't going to fall asleep again. I got to the rink at 6 and, no surprisingly, was the first person there. I warmed up on the ice and started practicing some of my jumps. I ran through the step sequence of my short program, playing the music through in my mind. I felt good today, my jumps felt solid and my skates felt steady on the ice. I was almost looking forward to my run through.

Brian came to the rink at 7:00 which was the time we had agreed upon. He was a little surprised to see me there already warmed up and ready to go but didn't question me too much. I had a clean run through of my program and finished to Brian's applause. The next hour was spent analyzing my performance and working on countless small details throughout it. Other skaters started to arrive and began their warmups on the ice. I vaguely registered the fact that Yuzu had appeared but I was too focused on Brian and my program to greet him. He seemed to understand and gave me space for the morning to work on what I needed to work on.

We spent a little time talking with each other and Jason and Jun-hwan during a break but the conversation was brief as we all still had things to do. 

Finally, the end of the day came, and I met Yuzu in his car to go back to his house. My day had been successful so far but the real challenge was still to come. Even as we talked about our days, I could feel the tension in our words. We were both nervous. This could go wrong in so many ways but it had to be done.

We eventually reached his house and we both got out of the car. "You're sure." Yuzu asked as he put his hand on the door to open it. I nodded my eyes fixed forward, unwilling to change my mind now when I had come so far.

He took a deep breath and pushed open the door to his house. "Tadaima." He called as he took off his shoes. I remained standing awkwardly in the entrance as Yumi Hanyu emerged around the corner. She opened her mouth to greet Yuzu but her eyes locked on me. "Medo-chan." She said, surprised. 

"Hello." I said polietly, not knowing any Japanese. 

She turned her gaze to Yuzu questioningly. He motioned for me to come in the door and murmured something to his mother in Japanese. "Come in, let's sit on the couch." She said to me, her accent was thick but her English seemed good.

I sat down next to Yuzu, although a healthy distance away, on the couch while his mom sat on the other side. "So, what is it you have to tell me?" She asked both of us in English. I let out a mental sigh of relief that we were going to do this in English so that I could actually understand what was happening.

Yuzu glanced at me, unsure of how to start, before looking back at his mother. "Evgenia and I are in a relationship." He said. Wow Yuzu, way to just start with that, I thought.

His mom's eyebrows shot upwards, her gaze darkening a little bit. 

"We wanted you to know." Yuzu continued quickly. "I didn't want to keep this a secret from you." We both waited as the silence stretched for eternity.

Finally his mother spoke. "Yuzu-kun." She said, her voice a little condescending. "What do you expect me to say to this?"

Yuzu didn't respond, he just dropped his gaze to his feet, waiting for her to continue.

"This cannot happen." His mother stated and my heart dropped to my stomach. "This will never work." 

"Please." I said, finally finding my voice. "Please just let us have a chance. I love your son, I truly do, and I have for a long time."

"Yes, you and a million other girls around the world." His mother snapped. "I will not allow my son's reputation to be tarnished like this." She turned her gaze back to Yuzu, her eyes bright with anger. "Yuzuru, out of all the girls you could have chosen, you chose her? It may have worked before, but she has lost the respect of her country, she is not somebody you want to be associated with. I will not allow it."

"Okaa-san." Yuzu said, distressed as her words torn at my heart. She was right, I knew she was right. 

"This will not happen." She said firmly, her eyes meeting mine scathingly. 

I stood up from the couch abruptly even as Yuzu's hand caught my wrist. His eyes met mine, pleading me to stay, but I couldn't. I could tell by his mother's tone that she would not compromise, she would never approve, and a part of me knew that she had every reason to not let this happen. I tore my wrist out of Yuzu's grasp before bowing politely to his mother. "Forgive me," I said quietly. "I never meant to disrespect you or your family." 

She nodded at me, her eyes softening for a second. "You are a good girl, Medo-chan." She replied. "But I am sorry, I have made my decision."

I nodded, even as I felt tears enter my eyes. "Goodbye." I said, to both of them. I turned around quickly before they could see the tears in my eyes.

"Zhenya." Yuzu said, his voice desperate, but I didn't look back. I slipped my shoes on, and gently closed the door behind me without a sound. Without knowing why, I turned and ran. I ran from that house, from Yuzu and his mom, I ran as fast as I could, sprinting down the streets back to my house. I ran all the way back to my house, slamming the door behind me when I got inside. But this time, no tears came. There was just an empty, hollow feeling that burned in me. Once again, I was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all like the new chapter! Sorry that the happiness didn't last for too long, the story couldn't be all fluff!
> 
> As always, comment thoughts or suggestions down below! I love reading everything you have to say <3


	14. Readjusting

The next day, I went to a different rink to work on my choreography for my free program. The music I had chosen was tango music, classy and sharp, something different. The fact that I was spending the day not at the TCC also meant that I didn't have to see Yuzu, which was now a blessing. I knew he would have wanted to to talk to me but I couldn't think of anything to say to him. He had texted me non-stop last night until he realized that I wasn't going to reply. Part of me felt bad for ignoring him, but it was better this way. His mother was right, our relationship would only hurt him. He was practically the king of the figure skating world, the media followed his every move, it was never going to work.

The choreography that day was like nothing I had done before. The movements were sharp and so different from my previous programs like Anna Karenina or my 9/11 tribute. I reminded myself though that that was the goal, to become something new, to reinvent myself. 

I stopped by the TCC briefly on my way home to talk to Brian. I had chosen costumes for both of my programs. For my short, I had opted away from the costume that Yuzu had suggested before, I wasn't sure I could wear it without thinking about him. The last thing that I needed was for this drama to follow me out on the ice in competition. I had created a whole new idea for it. The top had two medium width straps over my shoulders. Rhinestones covered the front and were sewn onto the straps. The skirt would be made of small black strings which would go well with the choreography. Brian nodded his approval and I handed him the image for my free program. The costume was a reddish pink with clear straps that would make it look more like an off-the-shoulder dress. I had placed criss-cross pieces of fabric in the back and had drawn in rhinestones on the front and down the sides. It would be a nice costume for a tango. Brian also nodded his approval at that one and said he would send them to the seamstress. We said a quick goodbye before I backed out of his office and started to walk quickly back out of the rink.

"Zhenya." I would know that voice anywhere.

No, not now, I couldn't talk to him now. I picked up my pace slightly and I was out of the building. I could still hear his footsteps behind me, he was following me. As I kept walking, I felt his hand grab my wrist and I finally whirled around to face him. "What?" I asked, with more force and spite than I had anticipated.

He looked slightly hurt by my tone. "Zhenya, please listen, just listen." He pleaded.

I shook my head before he even finished talking. "We can't, Yuzuru." I said, tears filling my eyes as I reverted back to his full name. "We can't." I said again, in a whisper.

"We promised we'd try." He murmured.

"Yes, and we did. But...it can't work. It will never work."

"Zhenya," He protested but I cut him off before he could finish what he was saying.

"Goodbye, Yuzuru." I said quietly. Turning around, struggling to free my wrist from his grasp.

"No." He said, pulling me back around towards him. "This isn't goodbye."

I looked him straight in the eye, surprised to find that his were also filled with tears. I hadn't seen Yuzu cry in a long time outside of a kiss and cry. "Yes," I whispered. "It is."

He finally let me shake my wrist out of his grasp and I walked away, knowing that he wasn't following. I could still feel his eyes on my though until I turned the corner and reached the bus stop. I rested my head in my hands as I sat there, letting the tears escape my eyes. It felt like a bucket of water had been poured over that spark of happiness that had been lighted in me. All that was left was a cold, hard determination for my skating. I wouldn't let this change me, my plans for the season would still be the same, I was stronger than this.

A couple weeks later:

I walked into the TCC for my last practice session before my first competition of the season, Autumn Classic International. Some skaters were already on the ice. Jason, Jun-hwan, and Yuzu were all coming as well and they were all running through some last minute touches on their program. As I glanced around the rink, my eyes met Yuzu's and I quickly dropped my gaze. The last couple of weeks, we had barely spoken to each other. He seemed to respect my space and my choice and had mostly left me alone. He texted me every once in a while to check in like any friend would and I sometimes I would respond and sometimes I wouldn't. The awkwardness between us now when we ran into each other was almost unbearable which had led to me actively avoiding him whenever possible. This trip was going to make that hard though given as we were all taking a bus to the competition.

I got out on the ice quickly, running through my warm-up and beginning to practice my double axel and triple lutz, the two jumps that were giving me the most trouble. At times, I could feel the outside edge of my lutz but most often, I knew it was a flutz. I had worked hard to change it but Brian had told me that changes like that couldn't be made in a couple of months, it would take at least a year. My double axel had improved though. Back in Russia, it had been one of my weakest jumps, but under Brian and Gishlain's careful guidance, I had better height, rotation speed, and distance. Still, all of the changes had made it a little unsteady and inconsistent.

To say I was nervous for Autumn Classic would be an understatement. Despite it only being a challenger event, I knew that all eyes would be on me. People would be picking apart my programs to see if I had improved, and they would all decide for themselves if I had made the right choice. I wanted, more than anything, to prove to the world that I was still a force to be reckoned with and that I could come back stronger than I ever was before.

Before we all left for the day, I ran through my free program with the music. I landed all of my jumps cleanly which eased my worrying a little bit. Brian and Tracy skated over and went through some last minute things with me but let me go home a little early to get some rest before the bus ride tomorrow. I said goodbye to the remaining skaters at the rink before walking out of the TCC and taking the bus home. 

I decided to go to sleep early that night. Tomorrow would undoubtedly bring its own host of problems with the four of us alone on the bus together. I shut out those thoughts, knowing that they would only prevent me from getting to sleep. Jason and Jun-hwan would be there which would hopefully mean I could limit my interactions with Yuzu. A part of me still yearned for the friendship we had had before, but I knew that couldn't happen. If we became friends again, there was no telling whether or not it would grow into something more, and that wasn't an option.

I finally fell asleep, not knowing then that the next day would be much more eventful than I could have ever dreamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that there wasn't a whole lot of Yuzu-Zhenya interaction here. There will be more in the future though!
> 
> Feel free to share thoughts, comments, or suggestions down below!


	15. Made up my mind

I got to the TCC the next morning just in time before the bus left. Everybody else was already there. Brian and Tracy were talking to the bus driver while Yuzu and Jun-hwan were working on loading bags into the storage area. Jason was on the phone with somebody, probably his parents. I walked around to the back of the bus to put my bags in and found that there was somebody else coming on the trip that I hadn't anticipated, Kaori was there.

"Hey Zhenya." She said brightly.

"Hi." I replied surprised.

She laughed at my confusion. "I'm going to Autumn Classic too and Brian said I could come on the bus with you guys. 

"That's great!" I said, actually happy. Having someone to talk to on the bus would be a great way of avoiding Yuzu.

She and I walked onto the bus where everybody else was already waiting. The seats were arranged in rows of three and Kaori sat down in a middle seat next to Yuzu who had claimed the window. You've got to be kidding me, I thought. Out of all the places she could have chosen to sit. 

"Come on, Zhenya." She said, patting the seat next to her. I reluctantly sat down, refusing now would only make her suspicious. I remembered her earlier confession to me about her feelings for Yuzu, it shouldn't have surprised me that she had chosen to sit here.

Yuzu turned his head away from the window at the sound of our voices. "Hey." He said, his face confused as he saw me.

"Hi." Kaori said with a smile, saving me from having to do much other than smile too. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. Kaori was clearly dying to talk to him, that meant that I could be relatively silent without seeming rude.

"So, Yuzu." Kaori started, and launched into a conversation with him. I stuck my earphones in my ears, blocking out their words with music from my phone. I leaned back against the headrest and I felt the bus's engine turn on. A couple seconds later, we were on the way.

After about a half an hour, Kaori and Yuzu got tired of talking. Kaori fell asleep, her head not so discreetly drifting downwards until it landed on Yuzu's shoulder. Something about the gesture made my fury spike for a moment before it simmered back down. That was good, Kaori and Yuzu should get closer to each other. I knew that Yuzu's mom would approve of her.

I felt Yuzu's glance over at me as if sensing my sudden change in mood. I stubbornly kept my eyes on the seat in front of me, not willing to make eye contact with him. I heard a small sigh from him as he turned his head back to look at the window, obviously realizing that I wasn't planning on talking to him. I switched my music to the music I was skating to this season. I imagined the choreography in my mind as the music played, something that Yuzu had taught me how to do years ago when I had first started to get to know him. I found it to be a good way to relieve stress, I could envision ever turn, spin, and jump just as if I was doing it myself.

The rest of the bus ride passed rather uneventfully and we finally reached our destination. Yuzu gently shook Kaori awake and she removed her head from his shoulder, her cheeks turning a bright shade of pink. Yuzu only laughed it off, asking if she had slept well and she had said yes with a smile. The simple flirting between them was something that I didn't really care to watch any more so I quickly slipped out of my seat and got off of the bus. I had a practice session in an hour that I had to get ready for. It struck me suddenly that this was the first competition that I was at without my mom. When I had been training in Russia, my mom had come to all of my competitions and had been there at my practice sessions and before my programs, it felt weird to be traveling without her.

I didn't have time to go to the hotel we were staying at and Yuzu offered to bring my bags there. I reluctantly agreed, telling myself that the gesture was simply a kind act of Yuzu helping his friend. I murmured my thanks to him before walking into the rink with Brian and Tracy. My practice session went well, I had a good run through of my short program and I felt as prepared as I ever would for my skate tomorrow.

Yuzu had texted me my room number so I could find it without having to ask the front desk. He had also texted me his room number so that he could give me the key to my room. Seriously Yuzu? Why couldn't he have given it to Kaori or even Jason or Jun-hwan? Part of me knew he wanted to talk to me, he had been trying to ever since I had left his house after the discussion with his mom, but I also knew that I didn't really want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk about what happened.

Either way, I needed my room key so I reluctantly walked over to his room when I got to the hotel. He opened the door quickly when I knocked. "You said you have my room key?" I asked as a way of greeting.

"Oh, yeah." He said, gesturing for me to come in. I followed him inside as he grabbed a plastic card off of his desk. "Here." He said quietly, handing it to me.

"Thanks." I said, turning to walk away, barely believing I was going to be able to leave without a conversation. 

"Zhenya, wait." Yuzu said and my heart sank. 

I turned around to face him. "What?"

"Can we talk?" He looked hesitant, almost scared.

"Yuzu, there's nothing to talk about."

"I think there is."

"Well then why don't you say it?"

He was staring right at me, his eyes locked on mine. "I love you, Zhenya." He said quietly. "I don't care how long I have to wait, I'm going to make it work."

My heart swelled at his words but I quickly looked away. "How, Yuzu? How can it ever work? Your mom, my mom, the media, pretty much everyone makes it impossible."

"Nothing's impossible." He walked across the room, closing the distance between us. 

Despite my better judgement, I didn't back away from him. "You can't be sure." I whispered.

"Yes, I can." He slipped his arms around my waist, pulling me against his chest. I closed my eyes for a second, allowing myself to enjoy the warmth and comfort of his embrace. My heart broke a little as I realized how much I had missed him. 

Finally though, I pulled away. "Yuzu," I said seriously. "You'd be risking too much, we both would."

"Are you saying it's not worth it?" His eyes saddened.

"Of course it's worth it, for me." I said quickly. "But you? You have spent years building your reputation, earning the love of your people. You can't just throw that away now."

"I know my duty to my people, Zhenya. But I also know that I have a duty to myself."

"What about your mother?"

"My mother, is picky." He said quietly. "But we'll figure it out, together." 

The conflict inside me felt like it was tearing me apart. But I know I had to do the right thing, I had to silence my heart and use my brain. "I can't let you do this, Yuzu. I can't let you sacrifice so many things for me. I'm not worth it."

"You are to me." He said softly, his arms wrapping around my waist again. "Please, I've already made up my mind about this."

"So have I." I whispered. I let myself linger in his arms for half a second longer, trying to remember this feeling before pulling away from him. "I'm sorry." I said, before turning around and shutting his door softly behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that there are some aspects of the story that don't exactly match up with what actually happened (like Kaori going to Autumn Classic) but I had to add them for the sake of the story. Hope you guys don't mind :).
> 
> As always, share any thoughts or comments below! I can't wait to see what you all have to say <3


	16. Done

I got to my room, my heart pounding as I collapsed onto the bed. I covered my face with my hands, surprised to find tears on my cheeks. I knew I had done the right thing, but it still hurt. Yuzu had been somebody who had bought me real happiness for the first time since leaving Russia. I had felt happy and safe and for once I hadn't been second guessing my decision to leave Eteri and Russia behind. That was all gone now, that protective bubble of happiness around me had popped and all of my old fears and worries flooded in. What had I been thinking? I don't belong here. Maybe I should just hop on a plane back to Russia, there was a good chance Eteri would still take me back.

No. I couldn't do that. I took a deep, steadying breath, forcing myself to calm down. I hadn't come here for Yuzu. Being distant from him couldn't change my mind about being here. I had come to train and improve, to prolong my career, and that was exactly what I was going to do.

The next day:

I skated nervously around the rink for my warm-up before the short program. My legs felt wobbly underneath me from the nerves but I just focused on digging into the ice, focusing on everything I had learned from Brian over the last couple of months. 

Not too long later, it was my turn to skate. "Just relax, focus, breathe." Brian said to me as we stood at the boards. "You got this, okay? You know what to do." 

I nodded as my name was called and I pushed out from the barrier. As I took my starting position, I took a deep breath, focusing my mind. My music started, and I felt myself start to move. As I skated, I started to forget my nerves and remembered that this was what I loved to do. My first jump was the lutz. As I took off, I felt my slight inside edge before landing back on the ice. It was a flutz, but I had landed it. The world knew I couldn't fix that in a single summer.

My next jump was the double axel. I sharpened my focus as I leaped forward into the air. My landing felt weird and I had to do a little hop to keep my balance. My eyes flashed over to Brian who gave me an encouraging nod as I continued. It was time for my last jump, my combination. Triple flip, triple toe. I dug my toepick into the ice for my triple flip, springing off the ice and quickly adding a triple toe on the end. Perfect. Eteri had drilled me for years on my triple triples and I knew I could rely on them. I finished with my final spin to roaring applause from the audience. I had done it. Sure, the program wasn't perfect, but I had proved to the world that I was still a force to be reckoned with, I wasn't going to fade away that easily.

I embraced Brian as I stepped off the ice. "That was great." He said, patting my back. "Great job." I smiled at him. My nerves fading and my body relaxing slightly.

"The score for Evgenia Medvedeva." The announcers called. "70.98, she is currently in first place." 

I nodded my head in agreement with the score. It certainly wasn't my best but it was better than I had thought it would be. 

"That was great." Brian said, as the cameras turned to the next skater on the ice. "I'll see you for practice tomorrow?"

"Yeah." I said, standing up. I walked backstage to grab my bag. I looked at my phone and was surprised to see a text from Yuzu. I opened it out of curiosity.

First place! You skated great, I was watching the live stream. I told you you could still stay on top of the podium.

I sighed and closed the message without responding. I didn't want to make things harder between us and the easiest thing right now would probably be to ignore him for a little bit. 

Later that day:

I ended up finishing the short program in first place but with Bradie just about a point behind me. The long program was going to be important, I needed to be focused. After I finished with my interviews, I grabbed my bag and was getting ready to leave the skating rink when I heard Kaori's voice just down the hall. I followed it, wanting to talk to her for a little bit before retreating back to my room.

I turned the corner and opened my mouth to speak before quickly shutting it after seeing who she was with. It was Yuzu. I quickly turned back around the corner so they wouldn't see me.

"I didn't know how to say this before." Kaori was saying. "I guess I was afraid, but I'm not anymore."

I knew I should leave, knowing what she was about to say, but some part of me kept my feet rooted there, unwilling to move yet.

"I'm in love with you, Yuzuru." 

I sucked in breath at her words, words that I wished more than anything I could say to him too.

"Kaori, I..." Yuzu was quickly cut off from whatever he was going to say.

I turned the corner, confused, to find that Kaori had moved forward to press her lips against his, cutting off his words. I stared for a second until I saw Yuzu slip his arms around her waist, pulling her closer against him, deepening the kiss.

I turned back around the corner and walked away, my breathing a little shallow as my heart pounded. I had told him no, I had told him it was impossible, this was my fault. This was exactly what I had wanted for him. But still, why did it hurt so much.

I got back to my hotel room, flinging my bag on the ground. My phone buzzed and I saw it was a text from Yuzu. I didn't even open it, instead I threw my phone across the room. Anger swelled in me as I fell backwards onto my bed. Just last night he had told me he loved me and today he was kissing another girl? Sure, I had said no, and I had meant it, but I hadn't expected this to happen so quickly.

I walked across the room to pick up my phone, part of the glass cracked from when I threw it. I deleted Yuzu's message without reading it, I didn't really want to hear what he had to say. This weekend, I was going to focus on my skating. I needed to forget about Kaori and whatever I felt for Yuzu, I wasn't here for drama. Skating had always been the number one priority in my life and I wasn't about to change that over a boy. Maybe after the competition, I would give myself time to sort through my tangle of feelings, but for now, I had to hide them away. As a sense of calm swept over me, I knew that for now, I was done with Yuzuru Hanyu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that it took me so long to come out with this chapter. My life has been super crazy the last couple of days and I didn't have time to focus on my writing. With that being said, I hope you all like the chapter!
> 
> As always, comment down below thoughts, comments, or suggestions :)


	17. After

The rest of Autumn Classic went fine. I fell on a triple loop in my free which took me down to second place behind Bradie Tennell. I knew that I should be angry and upset, my scores here were nothing compared to the scores I had with Eteri, but I felt empty, dried up. Brian seemed to notice that I was a little down but he played it off to my disappointment about the competition. Tracy seemed a little more concerned and asked me after the medal ceremony if I was okay. I assured her that I was fine, just a little tired.

As I lay in my hotel bedroom that night, all of my negative thoughts from losing, about leaving Russia, and about Kaori and Yuzu scrambled around in my mind. I didn't really pay any of them much attention, I didn't have the energy to. I felt a tear escape my eye and trickle down my cheek. I had been here in Canada for months and I was just as alone as I had been when I arrived. I longed for the company of my friends in Russia, my heart ached to see them again. I thought I could do this, I thought I could come here and be a new person, but I was the same, broken girl I had been when a silver medal had been placed around my neck in Pyeongchang. I thought I had healed, I thought that coming to Canada would help me heal, but it had only deepened the wound.

Knowing that I wouldn't be able to sleep, I picked up my phone. I had unread messages from Brian and Tracy about the competition, Kaori who wanted to meet up in the morning to do something before we went back to Toronto, and Yuzu. For the first time since getting to the competition. I actually opened his message before deleting it.

_Hey. I know that I'm probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but I just wanted to see if you're okay. You haven't been responding to any of my messages, I don't even know if you've been reading them, but you looked really down today. I'm here if you need to talk somebody, just give me a call. I'm sorry for everything that happened between us, it wasn't fair to you. I promise that I'll give you whatever space you need though._

Of course he would, he was dating Kaori now. He wouldn't want to be seen with me anymore. I deleted his message after reading it through a couple times. I didn't know why, but his words almost made me sadder. They were just a reminder of how things had been looking so great just a little bit ago, and now look where I was. I texted Kaori back that I couldn't meet her in the morning because I was calling my family but that we should meet up sometime in Toronto.

Maybe I actually would call my family. While my parents had not exactly been excited to hear that I was moving to Canada, they had a way of making me feel better. As I turned my phone off, I set an alarm for early in the morning so that I could call them around their lunch time. With a jumble of thoughts still in my head, I fell into an uneasy sleep, eager to escape from my new reality.

The next day:

I groggily reached over to turn off my alarm as I blinked sleepily awake. As I slowly became more aware, I remembered that I was going to call my parents. I hopped out of bed, changed, got ready for the day, and plopped down onto my bed again with my computer. I stuck two earbuds in and dialed my mom. Not long after, her face appeared on my computer screen.

"Hi" I said in Russian.

"It's early for you, Zhenya."

"Yeah, I wanted to catch you around lunch though to make sure you weren't at work."

"Ah. So what's wrong?"

My mom could always tell the difference between when I was calling her just to say hi and when I was calling her because I had a problem. 

"I saw that you lost Autumn Classic." She said, a slight reprimand in her tone. "I thought you were going to Canada to improve, Zhenya. You are already worse than before and it's only been a few months."

I sat in shocked silence at my mother's words. I had called her to make myself feel better, not for her to voice the thoughts that were already plaguing my mind.

"You never used to fall on your triple loop and you stepped out of double axels in both programs." My mom continued. "I told you you know. I told you not to leave Eteri, not to leave home. But you wouldn't listen, would you? Now look, you've betrayed your family, your country, and you have nothing to show for it."

Her words were like needles in my heart, I turned my face away from the camera, tears rolling down my cheeks. I should have remembered. My mother was not one to hold back criticism when she needed to vent. I don't think she realized how much her words could hurt.

"I...I have to go, mama." I said, despite having only been on the phone with her for a couple of minutes.

"Eh, go where?" She asked demandingly.

"I have to get on the bus back to Toronto."

"Fine, go. Next time you compete though, you'd better show me, show Eteri, show your country, that you've improved. Otherwise, everything you have done will mean nothing."

"Goodbye, mama." I said firmly, clicking the hang up button. I hung my head in my hands as I sat on my bed, hot tears flowing out of my eyes. Even my own mother saw me as a disappointment now. I wiped away my tears with frustration, only to have new ones take their place. I needed to train harder, I needed to do better. This wasn't who I was, I was going to be back on top during the grand prix series, I would make sure of it.

Later, as we were loading up the bus, I had left my hair down to shield my face. My eyes were puffy and red from crying practically all morning and stray tears still escaped my eyes. I could feel Brian and Tracy's eyes on me but they didn't say anything. As I walked on the bus, I saw that Yuzu, Jason, and Jun-hwan were all sitting together already. They were laughing and talking with each other, relieved to have the stress of competition over with. Kaori was sitting across the aisle, intensely focused on something on her phone. I walked right by all of them, choosing to sit way towards the back of the bus. I knew that it would raise their suspicions but I didn't really feel like social interactions right now. Besides, there would be no way to sit with them without them realizing how much of a wreck I was.

My phone buzzed, a text from my mom. _You'd better figure out whatever is going wrong soon, Zhenya. It's too late for you to come back to Eteri. We're all expecting something spectacular at Skate Canada, don't let everybody down._

Wow mom, you can stop now. I thought, deleting her message. The bus had already started moving and I put down my phone to look at the window. Tears were again flowing down my cheeks, my mom's words only adding to the pressure I felt on my shoulders. 

I felt somebody slide into the seat next to me. I didn't need to look over my shoulder to recognize him.

"Hey." Yuzu said quietly.

I was glad that my face was turned away from him so he couldn't watch me cry. "Hey, what do you want?" That came out a little harsher than anticipated and it didn't help that my voice cracked on the last words.

"Are you okay?"

"What is it with everybody asking me that? I'm fine." I practically spat out the last words, forcing myself to take a deep breath to calm down.

I expected him to leave at that, to accept that I didn't want to talk to him, but he persisted. "You don't seem fine."

"Maybe you just don't know me then." I said bitterly.

"No." He whispered. "It's because I know you that I can see that you're not fine." He gently reached out and placed his hand under my chin, turning my head to face him. His eyes took in the tears on my cheeks, the red puffiness of my eyes.

Wordlessly, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling me against his chest. He gently guided my head to rest on his shoulder before speaking again. "I also know you well enough to know that this isn't just because of the competition. You can talk to me, Zhenya."

I didn't say a word, savoring the feel of his arms around me. Why was he doing this? What about Kaori? "Yuzuru, what are you doing?" I asked pulling away.

His eyes looked a little hurt. "I'm trying to help a friend."

A friend. Were we friends? "Are you sure Kaori is okay with you being here?"

Confusion flashed across his face before he laughed. "Kaori? I thought I saw you lurking around the corner." He said with a smile. "After that kiss, I told her I couldn't be with her."

"Why? She's literally perfect for you, Yuzuru."

"Okay, first, when have I ever been Yuzuru to you? Second, I just didn't feel the same way. It didn't feel right to lead her on if I knew deep down that it could never happen."

I stood up a little, craning my neck to see that Kaori was sitting in her chair, her head hung a little lower than usual, still engrossed in whatever was on her phone. "I think you should talk to her, clear things up a little bit. It sounds like you were a bit harsh."

"Maybe I will, when we get back. But, I think I have another friend that needs me more."

I felt my cheeks turn a little red. "Don't get too cocky, Yuzu." I said, a hint of a smile returning to my face.

He grinned at my use of his nickname. "Never." Still, he pulled me back against him, holding me tightly. "Whatever's bothering you, Zhenya, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Just tell me how I can help."

I hesitated for a second. "This is good for now." I said softly, squirming a little to find a comfortable place on his shoulder. 

"Okay." He sounded a little relieved. He reached down to grab something and then gently brushed my hair back and placed an earphone in right ear. He proceeded to put the other one in his left ear and started to play music from his phone. For now, I allowed myself to relax a little bit. Contrary to what I thought before, I wasn't as alone as I had imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this chapter and the little bit of fluff at the end! 
> 
> Feel free to comment thoughts or suggestions down below. I love reading everything you have to say <3


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